Mid-way point

Yesterday was session 17 out of 34 - and so unless I'm mistaken I've done half of it. The radiographers keep on telling me the main treatment will end next week, which it will, but it still leaves eight boost sessions which require daily trips to the hospital. And this, for me, is more important than whether I'm getting general or local treatment. I'm bored with these trips really. The problem is that you have to give yourself plenty of time to get there, which means having to wait there without taking into account the delays - 1 1/2 hours so far this week.

Still, the waiting room has been proving quite entertaining. I tend to sit with the same people if I can so I'm usually with this elderly Italian couple - whom I don't really understand as their accent is quite marked. Anyway on Monday I was treated to a conversation with the man - who's getting treatment - about how he wish there were more male radiographers as he didn't like exposing his 'bits' to the women. He said he wouldn't have minded had he been younger - *wink wink* - but that now there was nothing to be proud of. His wife was happily giggling next to him and I really had no idea what to say to him. I think this shows how all the prodding by oncologists, specialists of all sorts and radiographers makes you realise that your body is nothing but skin, tissue and bone. There was also some discussion yesterday about the water older men have to drink before they have their treatment. I think they have to drink at least two cups. A lot of them pull a face when drinking the water which is provided as it's lukewarm. Two of them started having a chat as to what they'd like to add to it - whiskey being the favourite. They were giggling like naughty school children and the radiographer who came to get them had to put up with this for a wee while. I was sitting next to another couple yesterday and the husband, who is getting treated, started telling me how drinking all this water often meant that he desperately needed the toilet on his way home. His wife joined in and started having a rant about the removal of urinals, which ended up in her saying that her husband ought to relieve himself on the street 'cos she would if it were her, man'. I'm starting to see why people miss the waiting room once they've completed treatment - you meet people who are going through the same thing, who are very open and funny, and who share their experiences with you. It's a bit like a support group without pretending to be one so that unexpected things and conversations often take place. Not sure I'm making any sense but it's a good thing.

Rambling over and time for me to get ready. Hope you're all well.

End of week 3

And this hasn't come soon enough. I'm starting to struggle with fatigue - the daily trips to hospital can be a bit stressful (those who have to commute in London will understand - and my skin is now red (it looks like sunburn). I'm not feeling unwell, just a tad tired. But I'm more or less half-way there and that feels good. I saw my oncologist this morning as I needed additional markings for the final eight boost sessions. That was pretty straightforward. I asked whether I am in remission - since no one had told me and I needed to hear it - and the answer was yes.

Sitting in the waiting room is proving quite entertaining. You tend to see the same faces every day and you get talking to people - you compare how long your treatment is, how much delay there was yesterday, your holiday plans, how much weight you've put on (I win) or lost, what time your appointment is on the following day. There is definitely a sense of camaraderie and that makes the trips more bearable. I'm definitely the youngest there but that's not an issue at all - we're all in the same boat.

The only worrying thing at the moment is a small lump I've found in my other (left) breast. I mentioned it to the registrar on Monday and he seems to think it's a cyst. I'm pretty sure it's nothing serious and I'll be getting an ultrasound at some point to check it out, but it is a bit worrying. I guess this is something you have to live with for the rest of your life once you've had cancer so it's a matter of handling it as best as you can. And I can't say I'm too bothered about it right now.

I also went to see my GP - an absolute star - yesterday as I get quite a lot of pain when I start doing things. The problem is that the end of chemotherapy does not mean an end to the side-effects. In the United States, they treat cancer as a chronic condition as treatment can have long-term consequences. It's simply a matter of getting my body back on its feet and gently start exercising, but because they don't quite understand how exactly certain chemo drugs affect the whole body, there is a need to be careful and not overdo it. There is a chance that healthy, non-rapidly dividing cells have been destroyed and therefore certain tissues need more time to recover.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a good weekend. I fancy doing a bit more painting, so this I shall do. Be good.

A third of treatment completed

First of all, congratulations to both Laura and Brad for getting their degree - I'm so pleased for you both and I know that this is the beginning of big and exciting things for you. They'll be graduating this weekend - I look forward to seeing the photos.

Treatment is going as well as could be expected. I am getting tired far more easily but it's not a massive problem yet. The 'good' thing about this daily treatment is that you get to see the same faces every day and you start making 'friends'. I was told several times last week that people who have completed their treatment miss the camaraderie of the waiting room. I guess it makes sense since most people are there for at least six weeks. I was supposed to see my oncologist this morning to get more tattoos - my last eight sessions will be more localised so they need to place marks around my scar(s?) - but she had to leave early. So Friday's radiotherapy will now take place in the morning, and I'll get the tattoos just after the session.

The good news is that my hair almost looks like proper hair now - I'm debating whether to trim it to encourage growth - and at long last my eyelashes are growing back, too. I have actually missed them - not least during cold and windy days which caused the tears to freely flow - and especially with the freak hairs merrily growing as if there were no tomorrow. So that feels good - a sense of normality coming back.

I was quite busy last week and managed to secure two volunteering opportunities. The first is with Pesticide Action Network, which is trying to eliminate the use of toxic pesticides. I first spoke to the Volunteering supervisor, who asked me to send in my CV and a covering letter. I duly obliged and was offered a position straight away. Then I contacted Camley Street Natural Park, which is right next to King's Cross, as they are always looking for trainee wardens. After a relatively long chat, it was agreed that I would start whenever I was ready. Both places were very friendly and very understanding of the situation I'm in so there is no pressure on me. I can't wait to get going.

I've also set up an ethical gardening website (not my idea but I should be contributing) - so far the name has been reserved and that's about it. I look forward to working on that as there is a certain sense of satisfaction in seeing your work published online. I've also started a painting for another friend whose birthday it was recently. It was my first attempt with acrylics and I really enjoyed it - it's very easy to use and the cleaning is quite straightforward if you do it immediately. Another friend has bought me a three-dimensional jigsaw of an old-fashioned globe and holy shamoly is that taking up a lot of my time. It's great fun though - however old that makes me sound.

So all in all I'm fine. I appear to be fighting off a cold but it's not too bad. I hope you have all enjoyed your weekends.

Radiotherapy

I meant to update this before starting radiotherapy but never got round to it. I've now had three sessions, and all I can say is that it's pretty straightforward. So far - touch wood - I've not had to wait to get treatment, and this only lasts about ten minutes. It's simply a question of lying on your back, not moving, and letting the machines do their job. Getting me in the right position is probably what takes the longest to be honest, the bombardments - x-rays is what radiotherapy is all about - only last two to three minutes. I've not had any reaction so far. I'm following their guidelines as far as skin care's concerned. I need to make sure the skin remains moist throughout the treatment, I'm only allowed to use baby soap, which means no deodorant or talcum powder on the side being treated. Which in turn means that you should avoid standing on my right side at this moment in time. I hope it doesn't get too hot but I have my doubts.

It now seems I won't be getting 25 but 34 sessions. Apparently I should've been told that eight 'booster' sessions are given as standard and are simply more localised treatment. And then I get an extra session in the simulator to get additional images I think. I'm glad I wasn't told this before treatment started - I found it very hard to get myself going knowing it was going to last five weeks, I think six and a half weeks would've been a bit too much. So far, things aren't too bad - I'm feeling a bit tired but this could be due to just about anything. But compared to chemotherapy and surgery, this is a walk in the park - famous last words no doubt. I'm being taken very good care of, so basically all I need to do is get to hospital, get treatment and get back home.

I have no plans as such. There's a sale on in Battersea Park at the weekend, where leftovers from the Chelsea Flower Show are being sold to us common mortals so a trip there looks like a distinct possibility. Other than that, the French Open is keeping me busy - and I know someone who must be very pleased to see three Serbian players in the semis.

I'd love to see the photos of your flowers and garden Stephanie. I will email you very soon.

Thanks for all the feedback on Laura and Brad's website. A special big thank you to Hazel for the comments regarding access for disabled people - I'm learning all the time.

Hope you're all fine and dandy.

Planning session

I had my planning session on Monday and that was fairly straightforward. Except that I didn't get to see my oncologist as she was stuck on the tube. So I actually don't know what the result of my echocardiogram was, but I suspect that had anything abnormal shown up, I would've been told.

I now have my tattoos - three dots: two on my sides and one in the middle of my chest - and I got my appointment list for the radiotherapy sessions themselves. I'll be starting on Monday 4 June and finishing on Friday 6 July. Unfortunately, all my appointments, bar one, are in the afternoon, which wouldn't have been my first choice. It's not a huge problem though - it just means that I won't be able to settle for hours of uninterrupted tennis. I think I'll survive somehow.

There has been a lot of interesting cancer-related news recently. Among them, a drug for breast cancer which is supposed to be particularly effective in young women with oestrogen-positive receptor types of cancer. That drug hasn't been offered to me so I'll have to have a word when I do get to see an oncologist. Mind you, it's another intra-veinous drug which is administered monthly for two years - it would mean putting my move to Cornwall even further back. Or I could come up to London every month for the treatment. Since the drug's not on the cards anyway, I'll just wait and see.

I've more or less completed Laura and Bradley's website if anyone fancies having a look. I built it from scratch so there's always the possibility that something isn't quite right - please let me know if you encounter a problem. The content's still light so keep an eye for updates (if you're interested that is).

As for the Champions League final, the team which scored the most goals won - I think there isn't much to add to this.

Be good.

Echocardiogram and little details

It's a long time since my last update so I thought I'd better quickly add something. The echocardiogram was a piece of cake, though I had a hot flush during the scan and I wonder if that has affected the result. I'll know one way or the other on Monday, when I'm at my planning session. I just hope I'm not weighed at this silly session - I feel I'm ballooning out of control, though my scale says no.

I managed to attend one football game - I saw Liverpool take on the mighty Fulham and lose 1-0. It was a poor game and an embarrassing result, but at least I made it and enjoyed myself. And you can't ask for much more.

I've been quite tired of late and I'm still not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't really get involved in anything until I've had radiotherapy, so my list of potential plans keeps on growing - at the same rate as my frustration at not being able to do much. But I've been designing a website and that has kept me busy. For those who don't know my ickle sister Laura is getting married to Bradley in September, and my wedding present to them is a website. It's not up and running yet as it needs tweaking and some content but here's a screen shot of what it's all about.


Nothing too extraordinary but it's fun - when it's going according to plan.

Be good.

Echocardiogram and planning session

I now have both appointments. I'll be getting my echocardiogram - an ultrasound heart scan - on 9 May. I've not idea what that entails but it doesn't sound painful or unpleasant, which is fine by me. Then I'll be seeing an oncologist to get the radiotherapy ball rolling on 21 May at 8.45 am - no comment on the time but they will regret getting me up so early. I'll be spending one hour on a 'simulator' and have some X-rays taken, and then the tattoos will be placed accordingly. Nothing very exciting, it has to be said.

I'm still struggling a bit but things are better. Of course Liverpool going through last night has helped.

I've been keeping an eye on the No More Breast Cancer campaign. I've never quite understood why I got cancer - 'lifestyle' factors are often quoted as the main contributors but not many apply to me. For me it's important to understand what caused it if I'm to minimise the chances of a return. There's a free event on 18 May, with a screening of Invisible, a documentary on the spread of pollutants to remote areas, followed by a panel discussion. I'm considering attending it as it seems like the perfect opportunity to be brought up to date on all the issues surrounding breast cancer. If you check the website out you'll see some fairly shocking figures.

Back to writing some of that gardening course - that's going quite well and keeping me busy.

Radiotherapy

I saw another oncologist last week - I don't know how many I've seen so far, it's all starting to add up - who talked me through the radiotherapy element of my treatment. I still don't know when that'll happen - I'm waiting to hear about my 'Planning session'. What I do know is that it'll last five weeks - the consultant diplomatically told me that 'Women with small breasts can get away with three weeks, however in your case...'. Honestly, they're not that big - I felt a bit like Jordan when she said it the way she did. I will also be getting tattoos - four wee dots forming a rectangle and basically locating the area needing treatment - so I won't be needing a mid-life crisis now. I'll be seeing a specialist again to sort out Herceptin and the hormone treatment. Because Herceptin can, in a small number of cases, cause heart damage I'm also waiting to hear about a scan to determine my baseline capacity.

On the good news front my cycle has started again and I'm now getting the best of both worlds - period pain and hot flushes. I was actually happy to see my cycle back only to be reminded that Tamoxifen (the hormone treatment) is very likely to disrupt everything again. Ah well, I'll enjoy it while I can. My 'hair' is still growing and I have to say I'm really looking forward to the day it'll be back to normal - I'm starting to really miss it.

Overall I'm ok. I'm a bit fed up and frustrated as the treatment is taking so long and more or less taking over my life. I think that the years of illness are not helping. I first fell ill in 1993 and have had quite a few problems since then. I had to drop out of uni twice and gradually give up on things. Then I finally got well enough to attend uni, first part-time, then managing to complete my final year full-time. This was supposed to be the first step into employment so the diagnosis of cancer in September was a huge setback. I am annoyed with it now and can get quite angry at times. Still, I know I can't do anything about it and I'm trying to get on with things. I've now started a Wildlife Gardening course and that's already proving to be enjoyable. It's a Distance Learning course and I have up to three years to complete it. I got a bit worried when I saw my first assignment, in which I have to design a wildlife garden - this is something I have never done. Anyway I've decided not to worry about grades - yes, those who know me, you've read it correctly - and I'll be creating quite an extravagant garden. Just cos I can. The course should be a good complement to my Environmental Biology degree and offer more practical solutions in terms of conservation.

I won't waffle on any longer. I gather some are having problems leaving messages - I have no idea how to remedy this, sorry but thank you for trying.

Oh, and I've posted some more photos on my Flickr account.

Update at long last

I'm back. Well I've been back for some time but never got round to updating this. I got back from Dorset tired, and I barely had time to recover before Theo, Justin, Fiona and Patrick's visit. I think that because I'm not feeling as bad, I tend to overdo it and then need ages to recover properly.

I had a great time in Dorset. The weather was reasonably good throughout our stay despite the forecast. They had said that Tuesday was going to be the last day of decent weather so I thought I might as well push myself. So we made our way to Lulworth Cove and Durdle Door (first and second photos). It was a beautiful, sunny day and the walk along the coast did me a world of good even if I did have to pay a price for such a long walk. I knew I would suffer - those who know me will know that I can be a tad on the stubborn side at times - but that was never going to stop me. I of course paid a hefty price for this and wasn't able to do much for the rest of the week, but I still enjoyed a couple of walks in the vicinity of the cottage. I returned home exhausted but very, very happy.

A few days after my return Fiona and family came to visit us. I was finally able to meet Theo, who's an extremely sweet, smiley little thing. I taught him a few Liverpool songs, which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy - but maybe he was laughing at the singing. Justin was a star, baking us all lovely biscuits. So here again i enjoyed myself thoroughly. It was just great seeing them all as I hadn't seen them since my graduation.

Last Wednesday I made my way to the Chelsea Physic Garden, which is just on the other side of the Thames from where I live. It's a great little garden, with patches dedicated to plants used to treat medical conditions - and yes, I paid my respect to the Oncology patch, patting a yew tree. I was lucky enough to see Eucalyptus leucoxylon 'Rosea' (second photo) in bloom as this Australian tree doesn't flower very often here, I am told. The flowers were extraordinary so the visit was certainly worth it.





I'm off to see my oncologist on Wednesday. As far as I know we'll be discussing Herceptin and Tamoxifen. To be honest, having just enjoyed a few weeks of freedom, the thought of further treatment does not fill me with joy. I know it's got to be done but it's going to be tough putting up with it all again. I still don't know what's going to happen with radiotherapy - I'm supposed to see a separate consultant for that but I haven't heard from that department yet. Ah well.

Hope you're all well and happy.

Off to the Jurassic Coast

The time has finally come - in a few moments I'll be off to Dorset to enjoy what I think is a deserved break. I believe I've packed everything - famous last words - and I am, of course, taking far too much. Which isn't a problem for me as I can't carry anything so it'll be up to my slaves for the week to deal with it all.

I haven't managed to email everyone and I apologise for that - I'll do it when I get back, obviously. Thanks again for all the messages and emails, and behave while I'm away.

Post #40

And the news is rather good. I had my follow-up appointment this morning where I got the results of the tests carried out on the cancer and sentinel lymph node. It's all clear, which means I won't be needing another operation. The node was clear and they removed a large enough margin around the tumour. Actually they removed far more than required as they'd decided that my tumour was 16 mm large but it turns out it was only 8 mm. So that's that. I have to say that as soon as I was told that I didn't need further surgery my mind went blank - I could see and hear the consultant talking but I completely missed what he said. Thankfully my Mum was with me and she filled in all the blanks once we left. Anyway I'm celebrating in style with a pasty, sushi and a doughnut.

I've got an appointment to see my oncologist in a few weeks time. I'm quite confused as to what's going to happen now. I thought I was going to see a radiotherapy consultant first but no appointment has been made. It looks like I'll be starting Herceptin and Tamoxifen (hormonal therapy) more or less straight away - although a chemo nurse had told me I'd probably have to wait until November - and I might be getting Herceptin for two years rather than the one year I was expecting. I'm a tad confused right now but I suspect I'll get all the answers once I see my oncologist. I'm not that fussed right now and determined to make the most of my four weeks of freedom, not least my week-long holiday in Dorset next week.

My hair's still growing but it would be more accurate to describe it as fluff with a receding hair(fluff?)line. At the same time some of it has fallen out but this could be because it's quite weak and therefore more prone to fall out. I'm looking forward to seeing what it plans on doing next.

That's me off for the time being. Hope you're all well and enjoying life.

Getting there, slowly

First of all, thanks all for your messages - still very much appreciated.

Well here I am, slowly recovering from the operation. It wasn't too bad but I did struggle when coming to - I guess I'm just one of these people for whom general anesthetics is a bit of a nightmare. This wasn't helped by the fact that I emerged at 6pm and the recovery unit closes at 7pm. I was feeling rough - nauseaous, dizzy, groggy - and they were literally trying to push me out of the unit. This has left me quite angry because I got there at 7.45am, as requested, but had to wait until about 3pm for the operation (they actually changed the order of the operation list: I was initially supposed to go first but someone decided to put me last. It was only when a nurse got a bit annoyed with this that the order changed again and I was second on the list). They made me wait for a while in the recovery room before the operation so I was able to see what happens there - people in various states come and sit there, and either sleep, drink, eat or watch TV depending on their state. They get a blanket and people taking care of them. They only leave when they are well enough, and this can take a few hours. I was asked to get out of bed and dressed within 30 minutes because I couldn't stay there. At the same time I was being told that there were no beds available so I'd be better off trying to get home. I really wasn't happy about this. A bed was finally found - I was able to recover and then make my way home. I will have a word with the consultant on Tuesday, when I get my results back, and I might make a formal complaint about this. No one was nasty or anything but I really don't think the treatment I received was good enough. Still, I'm home, I'm ok if a little tired and dizzy at times. The scars are not too painful and I'm able to eat and sleep reasonably well - so all in all things could be a lot worse.

I can't do much at the moment but I'm about to go and sit outside for a bit as the weather's quite nice. Then I'll start tackling my emails - and this time I mean it. There's quite a long list so I doubt I'll be able to email everyone today but I'll do my best to get them sent in the next few days. Hope you're all well and looking forward to a good weekend.

The Day After

This is Elizabeth adding the message on behalf of Anne-Marie. Just a short note to say she is back home, the operation went well, and she was able to come home yesterday as planned, although very late in the evening. She will update when she is feeling a bit better. There is not really much pain, she is just a bit knocked out by it all. Keep posting your messages, they are a great encouragement to her.

Wetland Centre photos

Here are a few photos of a great day out. And thanks for all your messages, emails, texts, e-cards, cards and phone calls - I can't thank you enough.

The day before...

I have been surprisingly - by my standards anyway - non-anxious about tomorrow but it is slowly kicking in. I've never had an operation and I don't even remotely like the idea even if I can't see a way around it in terms of treatment. Not much I can do really. I'm just stuck between not wanting to have the operation/wishing time would slow down, and it being done and over. So I'm trying to get on with it. I've got to be admitted at 8am tomorrow and make my way to Nuclear Medicine, where they'll inject a radioactive dye into my body in order for the surgeon to spot the sentinel node (the one that'll be removed, basically). Then I'll have a wee wait as the operation will take place at 1.30pm. It should take no more than one hour. Once I've re-emerged and they consider me fit enough I'll be able to make my way home - this is the moment I can't wait for. It looks like it's going to be a long day but better that than spending any nights in hospital.

I'm on a mission to keep myself busy today and will be going off to the Wetland Centre in Barnes very soon. So far the weather looks fantastic and the temperatures should reach 17C - this should make for a great day out. Like most of Europe at least it's been an exceptionally mild winter and the wildlife is already out in force - let's hope there'll be no more cold snaps.

I'd better be off. Hope you're all well and managed to enjoy your weekends. I still haven't started on my emails and I apologise for that. I had lots of plans for last week but ended up spending most of my time resting as I was exhausted. Ah well.

Relative freedom

The fact that chemotherapy is over hasn't quite sunk in yet - possibly because the side-effects are still all too present. As such I'm not spending too much time worrying about the operation, which takes place next week. I had to go in last Wednesday for a pre-op evaluation - a complete waste of time but I guess it's got to be done. There's nothing to report there - everything looks straightforward. I briefly saw a consultant to check whether Vicky could still be detected - and she can, just. This saves me from having to undergo yet another procedure that would have enabled the surgeon to locate the mass.

I'm now confronted with a whole week with no appointments and relatively few side-effects. I've no firm plans - and judging by the forecast for this week I think it's better to see how the weather is on the day and make a decision then. Of course it'll depend on fatigue mainly. I'm a bit desperate to go out and do things - and food shopping remains a huge favourite. Don't ask.

I've now started to help on designing a basic gardening course but I've realised I'm not quite sure what is expected of me so I'll need to look into that. I have to admit not having done much in the past week or so - I'm spending a lot of time reading, and enjoying it, but I'm getting to a restless phase again. There are quite a lot of things I'd like to do but the ongoing treatment is preventing me from getting involved in most things. Talking of treatment - again - I received a bit of bad news. Nothing serious as such, just the news that there will be break between radiotherapy and Herceptin, which means that I probably won't be starting Herceptin until November. This is frustrating because when at uni I chose to go full-time in order to graduate last summer. The plan was then to get some work experience and move out of London this summer. When diagnosed I thought I'd just have to postpone my plans for one year, but now it looks like I'll have to wait two more years. Still, my time will come at some point, surely.

In the meantime I'm managing to get glimpses of wildlife - well birds really - with the use of bird food placed on the cherry tree in front of my bedroom window. Only great tits, blue tits and starlings are actually feeding on it but thankfully the proximity of Battersea Park and the Thames means that I've spotted herons, parakeets, black birds and other more common birds flying around. I even saw my first robin. I get very excited about such things these days - I hate to think what state I'll be in when in Dorset...

Hope everyone managed to get a glimpse of the eclipse.

Slowly emerging

Things carry on eluding me - I hardly had to take any painkillers this time but other side-effects were a lot worse. Never mind. Besides fatigue, one of the main problem has been - and still is - oral thrush. Talk about unpleasant and painful. My gums are also more painful. I think that overall the worst is over - it must be over, my body has just about had it now. I've started seriously re-emerging now and I'm enjoying working on my website. Talking of which I'm adding a screen shot of what the main page looks like at the moment - any feedback would be appreciated. It's not the definitive homepage and there's still no content but you should get the idea.


The good news is that the Cartshed has been booked so I'll be off there for one week at the end of March. I'm so excited about it - the cottage is in a fairly secluded, very quiet spot, and is not far from the coast. There are no shops in Osmington but that's hardly a major problem as you can buy organic products straight from the farmer. Most importantly there's a great little pub not far away which serves excellent food and has seaviews. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. The best news, however, is that I'll finally be meeting my nephew Theo and catching up with Justin, Fiona and Patrick at the beginning of April as they are coming down over the Easter weekend. If I'm honest not being able to see them and meet Theo has been one of the most difficult thing to accept. I can't wait.

I'm putting two photos of two of my recent paintings - they were all about fun and using colours so they're not exactly great but painting them was quite therapeutic.



I don't really have much to say. Things have been quite quiet. Oh, ok, I've been doing some reading into the Harry Potter books - I love them but like other books I tend to read them quite superficially. It turns out Ms Rowling has put a lot of effort into them and I missed a lot of things - the precise reason I didn't enjoy reading when at school as I always felt so silly for not "getting it". This time it's keeping me busy and entertained as my brain is still quite reluctant to engage with anything too demanding.

I hope everyone is as happy as Boris, Hazel, Wendy and any other Liverpool supporter must be this morning.

FINAL chemo cycle - guess who's happy?

I can't tell you how relieved, ecstatic and happy I am that this is my last chemo cycle. It has been a long ride with some fairly unpleasant side-effects (as you're all aware) so to know that in three weeks time the worst will be over brings with it emotions that are difficult to put into words. I know the rest of the treatment is not going to be without problems but these are unlikely to be spread over a long period - she said hopefully, realising that fatigue from radiotherapy could last for months.

I made it to Kew Gardens and loved it. We got a wheelchair from the entrance and as a result I paid concession price and my "carer" got in for free - a pleasant bonus. The orchid display was very impressive - photos below - and it was possible to buy samples in the shop. However we settled for cakes and drinks, which were very satisfying, too. We finished with a trip to a photo exhibition which was a pleasant surprise. I used to be a volunteer at Kew and I saw the Volunteer Co-ordinator as we reached the orchid, exhibition but I opted not to go up to her. I'm just not sure how people are going to react and I looked worse than I felt. In a sense I regret this but I just don't want people feeling uncomfortable. Never mind. Overall I thoroughly enjoyed my day out - it did me a world of good as it was my first proper outing since November. I'm thinking of getting a wheelchair from the Red Cross so that I can go out a bit more regularly. I'm also going to try to build up my strength/stamina but I'm not quite sure how to tackle that at the moment.






I am now considering when to go away for the first time as I desperately need a break. I would love to go to the Cart Shed in Dorset since I loved the place when I went there last year. I could go either two or five weeks after surgery but I need to check out if I would be well enough after just two weeks (eleven days actually). This is only possible because a car will be available - I could be driven to the coast, have a wee walk and sit on the beach before being driven back to eat and rest. The other two could then go back out while I lay in front of a fire, reading a book or watching TV.

I'd better leave it here for the time being. I hope all is well wherever you happen to be and that Michael isn't feeling too smug following that fluke result.

Surgery, radiotherapy and other matters

Two trips to hospital in as many days have taken their toll - especially as I had to wait three hours to see the oncologist yesterday - but overall the news was good:

1. I won't need to spend a single night in hospital when I have surgery - They will perform a sentinel node biopsy, which means they will remove one lymph node (or a very small number) only. Apparently fluid from the breast goes through one node, which then 'distributes' it to other nodes. Therefore the operation will consist of a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy and should take about 40 minutes. I'll have to go in early but will be released on the same day as it is classed as a minor operation - which feels strange as they will, after all, be removing a malignant tumour. Surgery will take place on 13 March. They'll analyse both the tumour and surrounding tissues to see if there are any pre-cancerous cells, and the node to see whether the cancer has spread. If both come back negative, that'll be it. If the node is diseased I'll have to have another operation to have them all removed (called axillary clearance). If there are pre-cancerous cells I'm not quite sure what they will do.



2. Apparently there is a correlation between how someone responds to treatment and long-term prospects - In my case, as I'm responding very well, it's all looking very good. On top of that the fact that I'll be getting Herceptin and Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) means that things could be a lot worse. Of course cancer is an unpredictable illness but there you go.

I also know what the rest of my treatment plan consists of. I will be getting radiotherapy - two weeks after surgery I'll have an appointment to see a radiotherapy consultant and I'll have to sign the consent papers. I'll hopefully be starting it within three weeks but there are no guarantees because of waiting lists. It will last between three and six weeks - usually four, according to the oncologist I saw yesterday. I'll have to go in every day for a small dose of radiation - doesn't that sound good? Then I suspect I'll be given another wee break before going onto Herceptin and Tamoxifen. She may well have told me but I switched off in the end.

I feel quite tired today but it still looks like I'm going to Kew despite the snow. I suspect I'll be paying for this but I don't care right now. My body seems to have more or less capitulated through lack of exercise - I can't walk 100 metres without getting out of breath and my muscles hurting. My oncologist told me that I should try to exercise despite the fatigue - easy to say when you've never had chemotherapy. I understand what she means but when I do try to be a bit more active I end up having to spend two to three days in bed recovering - what's the point in that? Still, I'm feeling quite positive and I've found ways of keeping busy depending on what my body's telling me - my brain's a bit fuzzy these days so I'm working on web design (and having fun in the process) rather than content. I've also done a bit of painting - abstract painting in different tones of orange, which I found quite invigorating.

I know I owe people emails and I'm slowly working on it. Hope everyone's well and thanks to those who leave messages - I enjoy knowing what's going on in your lives. (Stephanie, I will try and find out a bit more about the Chillow. I'm not sure how it works but all you need to do is fill it with lukewarm water et voila! Provides cool comfort for the whole of its lifespan).

Be good.

Busy week (relatively speaking)

It's been a while since I last updated this so here goes. Side effects for Taxotere are a tad strange. Again, I had relatively little pain when compared to the first cycle, and my 'hair' is still growing. On the other hand, it turns out that the hot flushes and night sweats are a direct result of the drugs - it is absolutely horrendous. Also, my nails don't look good at all, which is not unusual with Taxotere, and I'm just hoping they don't fall out - this is unlikely though, so fingers crossed. As you all know by now fatigue is the main problem but I've been good and not overdone it. However I've got an appointment at Guy's today to see the surgery team and I'm seeing my oncologist tomorrow... I'm also hoping to go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - as a friend and her car are available then - to go and see the orchid display. Obviously I'll have to see how I feel on the day but I'm desperate to go as I've missed this annual event for a number of years now.

On the positive side I now have a Chillow, which is simply a pillow which helps keep you cool when having hot flushes and other such pleasant afflictions. It is extremely effective, to the point where I can't really use it all night as it's not exactly the right season to do so. But it helps when I'm in trouble. I didn't have it when the symptoms were at their worst so I'll see what it can do after my final cycle. I can see the Chillow being very good in heatwaves - very clever stuff there.

Overall I'm doing well. I'm finding it quite difficult mentally - it feels like my body's been under siege for a few months now and I desperately need a break. For some odd reason - perhaps because one of the oncologists said that my treatment plan was only provisional - my mind's decided that I'm not going to get radiotherapy so that surgery seems like the final big hurdle. I'm always reminding myself that this may not be the case. Still, I gather the main issue with radiotherapy is fatigue so it's hardly going to shatter my world. One thing I'm going to have to do is work on my core muscles - it's all gone and perhaps the reason I get back pain quite a lot. I guess I should be doing mild exercises when I have a window of opportunity and hope that it'll help even if only a teensy weensy little bit.

I'd better go and get ready for my trip out - which is exciting, in a sad way, because there's a good M&S at London Bridge station and it's a treat being able to do my own shopping. (I did say it was sad). Hope you're all well.