Slowly emerging

Things carry on eluding me - I hardly had to take any painkillers this time but other side-effects were a lot worse. Never mind. Besides fatigue, one of the main problem has been - and still is - oral thrush. Talk about unpleasant and painful. My gums are also more painful. I think that overall the worst is over - it must be over, my body has just about had it now. I've started seriously re-emerging now and I'm enjoying working on my website. Talking of which I'm adding a screen shot of what the main page looks like at the moment - any feedback would be appreciated. It's not the definitive homepage and there's still no content but you should get the idea.


The good news is that the Cartshed has been booked so I'll be off there for one week at the end of March. I'm so excited about it - the cottage is in a fairly secluded, very quiet spot, and is not far from the coast. There are no shops in Osmington but that's hardly a major problem as you can buy organic products straight from the farmer. Most importantly there's a great little pub not far away which serves excellent food and has seaviews. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. The best news, however, is that I'll finally be meeting my nephew Theo and catching up with Justin, Fiona and Patrick at the beginning of April as they are coming down over the Easter weekend. If I'm honest not being able to see them and meet Theo has been one of the most difficult thing to accept. I can't wait.

I'm putting two photos of two of my recent paintings - they were all about fun and using colours so they're not exactly great but painting them was quite therapeutic.



I don't really have much to say. Things have been quite quiet. Oh, ok, I've been doing some reading into the Harry Potter books - I love them but like other books I tend to read them quite superficially. It turns out Ms Rowling has put a lot of effort into them and I missed a lot of things - the precise reason I didn't enjoy reading when at school as I always felt so silly for not "getting it". This time it's keeping me busy and entertained as my brain is still quite reluctant to engage with anything too demanding.

I hope everyone is as happy as Boris, Hazel, Wendy and any other Liverpool supporter must be this morning.

FINAL chemo cycle - guess who's happy?

I can't tell you how relieved, ecstatic and happy I am that this is my last chemo cycle. It has been a long ride with some fairly unpleasant side-effects (as you're all aware) so to know that in three weeks time the worst will be over brings with it emotions that are difficult to put into words. I know the rest of the treatment is not going to be without problems but these are unlikely to be spread over a long period - she said hopefully, realising that fatigue from radiotherapy could last for months.

I made it to Kew Gardens and loved it. We got a wheelchair from the entrance and as a result I paid concession price and my "carer" got in for free - a pleasant bonus. The orchid display was very impressive - photos below - and it was possible to buy samples in the shop. However we settled for cakes and drinks, which were very satisfying, too. We finished with a trip to a photo exhibition which was a pleasant surprise. I used to be a volunteer at Kew and I saw the Volunteer Co-ordinator as we reached the orchid, exhibition but I opted not to go up to her. I'm just not sure how people are going to react and I looked worse than I felt. In a sense I regret this but I just don't want people feeling uncomfortable. Never mind. Overall I thoroughly enjoyed my day out - it did me a world of good as it was my first proper outing since November. I'm thinking of getting a wheelchair from the Red Cross so that I can go out a bit more regularly. I'm also going to try to build up my strength/stamina but I'm not quite sure how to tackle that at the moment.






I am now considering when to go away for the first time as I desperately need a break. I would love to go to the Cart Shed in Dorset since I loved the place when I went there last year. I could go either two or five weeks after surgery but I need to check out if I would be well enough after just two weeks (eleven days actually). This is only possible because a car will be available - I could be driven to the coast, have a wee walk and sit on the beach before being driven back to eat and rest. The other two could then go back out while I lay in front of a fire, reading a book or watching TV.

I'd better leave it here for the time being. I hope all is well wherever you happen to be and that Michael isn't feeling too smug following that fluke result.

Surgery, radiotherapy and other matters

Two trips to hospital in as many days have taken their toll - especially as I had to wait three hours to see the oncologist yesterday - but overall the news was good:

1. I won't need to spend a single night in hospital when I have surgery - They will perform a sentinel node biopsy, which means they will remove one lymph node (or a very small number) only. Apparently fluid from the breast goes through one node, which then 'distributes' it to other nodes. Therefore the operation will consist of a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy and should take about 40 minutes. I'll have to go in early but will be released on the same day as it is classed as a minor operation - which feels strange as they will, after all, be removing a malignant tumour. Surgery will take place on 13 March. They'll analyse both the tumour and surrounding tissues to see if there are any pre-cancerous cells, and the node to see whether the cancer has spread. If both come back negative, that'll be it. If the node is diseased I'll have to have another operation to have them all removed (called axillary clearance). If there are pre-cancerous cells I'm not quite sure what they will do.



2. Apparently there is a correlation between how someone responds to treatment and long-term prospects - In my case, as I'm responding very well, it's all looking very good. On top of that the fact that I'll be getting Herceptin and Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) means that things could be a lot worse. Of course cancer is an unpredictable illness but there you go.

I also know what the rest of my treatment plan consists of. I will be getting radiotherapy - two weeks after surgery I'll have an appointment to see a radiotherapy consultant and I'll have to sign the consent papers. I'll hopefully be starting it within three weeks but there are no guarantees because of waiting lists. It will last between three and six weeks - usually four, according to the oncologist I saw yesterday. I'll have to go in every day for a small dose of radiation - doesn't that sound good? Then I suspect I'll be given another wee break before going onto Herceptin and Tamoxifen. She may well have told me but I switched off in the end.

I feel quite tired today but it still looks like I'm going to Kew despite the snow. I suspect I'll be paying for this but I don't care right now. My body seems to have more or less capitulated through lack of exercise - I can't walk 100 metres without getting out of breath and my muscles hurting. My oncologist told me that I should try to exercise despite the fatigue - easy to say when you've never had chemotherapy. I understand what she means but when I do try to be a bit more active I end up having to spend two to three days in bed recovering - what's the point in that? Still, I'm feeling quite positive and I've found ways of keeping busy depending on what my body's telling me - my brain's a bit fuzzy these days so I'm working on web design (and having fun in the process) rather than content. I've also done a bit of painting - abstract painting in different tones of orange, which I found quite invigorating.

I know I owe people emails and I'm slowly working on it. Hope everyone's well and thanks to those who leave messages - I enjoy knowing what's going on in your lives. (Stephanie, I will try and find out a bit more about the Chillow. I'm not sure how it works but all you need to do is fill it with lukewarm water et voila! Provides cool comfort for the whole of its lifespan).

Be good.

Busy week (relatively speaking)

It's been a while since I last updated this so here goes. Side effects for Taxotere are a tad strange. Again, I had relatively little pain when compared to the first cycle, and my 'hair' is still growing. On the other hand, it turns out that the hot flushes and night sweats are a direct result of the drugs - it is absolutely horrendous. Also, my nails don't look good at all, which is not unusual with Taxotere, and I'm just hoping they don't fall out - this is unlikely though, so fingers crossed. As you all know by now fatigue is the main problem but I've been good and not overdone it. However I've got an appointment at Guy's today to see the surgery team and I'm seeing my oncologist tomorrow... I'm also hoping to go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - as a friend and her car are available then - to go and see the orchid display. Obviously I'll have to see how I feel on the day but I'm desperate to go as I've missed this annual event for a number of years now.

On the positive side I now have a Chillow, which is simply a pillow which helps keep you cool when having hot flushes and other such pleasant afflictions. It is extremely effective, to the point where I can't really use it all night as it's not exactly the right season to do so. But it helps when I'm in trouble. I didn't have it when the symptoms were at their worst so I'll see what it can do after my final cycle. I can see the Chillow being very good in heatwaves - very clever stuff there.

Overall I'm doing well. I'm finding it quite difficult mentally - it feels like my body's been under siege for a few months now and I desperately need a break. For some odd reason - perhaps because one of the oncologists said that my treatment plan was only provisional - my mind's decided that I'm not going to get radiotherapy so that surgery seems like the final big hurdle. I'm always reminding myself that this may not be the case. Still, I gather the main issue with radiotherapy is fatigue so it's hardly going to shatter my world. One thing I'm going to have to do is work on my core muscles - it's all gone and perhaps the reason I get back pain quite a lot. I guess I should be doing mild exercises when I have a window of opportunity and hope that it'll help even if only a teensy weensy little bit.

I'd better go and get ready for my trip out - which is exciting, in a sad way, because there's a good M&S at London Bridge station and it's a treat being able to do my own shopping. (I did say it was sad). Hope you're all well.