Glorious food

Good news at last - I believe the worst is now definitely over and I've been able to eat some rather delicious food. And I feel better for it. I still have slight nausea but nothing comparable to last week. So I'm a relatively happy bunny.

I had to go for a blood test on Wednesday. I was a bit worried because it meant traveling across London to get to Guy's, on a busy train, and having to wait in a large waiting room full of sick people. It wasn't too bad in the end though I can't say I enjoyed it. But it was my first outing since I had chemo and it did me some good to be out and about. Unfortunately I got a phone call from a chemo nurse yesterday to tell me that my blood count is very low and that I am therefore very susceptible to infections. Should I get a temperature of 38C I need to be admitted into hospital to get antibiotics. I'm also losing Finn today - her glands are up and she's not feeling too well, so as a precautionary measure she's going home. Mum's due back tomorrow so it's not a problem at all.

I have been feeling much better though, which has resulted in me doing research on how the chemo drugs work. And then I got a bit excited because it involves cellular and molecular mechanisms, and I find it all fascinating. So be warned - I'll be adding some nerdy bits in the future. My extra reading on the genetics of cancer and breast cancer in general has brought up a lot of questions, which I shall be putting to my oncologist when I see her next Wednesday. The poor thing let out a huge sigh of relief when we finished our last appointment because she thought my questions were tough ones.

Other than that my hair's fine now - I've worked out how to dry it without having it flop around. Mum really did a good job considering the fact that I was turning green before her eyes.

All in all it could be worse.

New week, one week on

Well as much as I'd like to say that all is well, it hasn't quite turned out that way. I'm still feeling quite sick and the only way to really control this is to remain in bed and not move too much. I am, of course, having the time of my life. I ended up getting in a bit of a bad mood yesterday, which doesn't actually happen that much these days (unless I have PMS but that's a different matter altogether). Lack of sleep, constant nausea and sheer boredom all got to me in the end. I rested for a bit and felt better for it. I took some homeopathic remedy and that seemed to help.

I got Mum to cut my hair on Saturday. For some reason the thought of losing long hair disturbed me so I thought I'd better get it short again. I asked her to just do it roughly, as I was feeling queasy, and she duly obliged. With the result that I can't wait for my hair to fall out now as it's got a mind of its own and no matter what I do to it I look like Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral. I rest my case.

Mum's now gone away on a retreat in Northern Ireland, which will hopefully do her a world of good. Cottage and surroundings are beautiful and peaceful, I am told, let's hope she can make the most of it all. Finn is now staying over and taking very good care of me. She was delighted to see that I have a bell by my bed, should I require anything. She went out on Saturday and Sunday to get me some more anti-sickness tablets, the homeopathic remedy, some liver and digestion support, and some probiotics. As well as some chips from the Chinese shop, because that's what I fancied. I could get used to this though she might turn into a wreck quite rapidly. She's been saved by work today. However, Laura and Brad are here so I'm keeping them on their toes. For the first time in my life I can see the appeal of being a mother and getting the kids to do all the menial tasks. More seriously, I am very grateful to all of you. I know I couldn't cope without you.

I know I still owe emails but this might have to wait a wee bit longer. I hope you all enjoyed your weekend - Michael will have, Newcastle managed a draw - and that you are all well.

Not impressed - but worst over (hopefully)

Well, I'm starting to feel better - and not one moment too soon. The nausea really started subsiding this afternoon but I'm feeling exhausted through lack of sleep. Still, I decided I was going to fight wretched Vicky with my head held up high and this I am doing - mainly because looking down does make me feel slightly queasy.

Another problem is loss of appetite - I've lost 1 kg. I'm simply not hungry, even when the nausea's not at its worst. Still, whereas I only had two slices of bread and six breadsticks yesterday I've managed to have some grapes and watermelon today. With no repercussions as far as I can tell. I'm also struggling with drinking water, which isn't good news as I need to flush the toxins out of my body and avoid a bladder infection. This said, my craving for grapes and watermelon, albeit minute, proves that your body knows what it needs - they are diuretics and have anti-cancer compounds. Generally the thought of food makes me feel quick ill but there are a few things I fancy and I'll be introducing these as soon as possible.

The good news is that I'll only be getting four cycles of the drugs that were given to me on Monday - next dates are 6 October, 27 October and 17 November (which of course means I'll be having a great birthday but good timing, Michael, as I should be fine when you're in London). This will of course depend on whether my treatments are regular. Another side effect of chemotherapy is that it reduces blood count, making you more susceptible to infections. If my blood count is too low they might choose to postpone the treatment for a bit. Once I move on to the other drug sickness is far less likely to be a problem, which is fine by me. There will be plenty of other side effects but hopefully it won't completely ruin my diet.

Mum is doing a great job of taking care of me. She's up and down the stairs to check whether I have everything I need, and happily pops out to the shops if I need things. And she's bought me a great hat today - my first hair loss hat. A big thank you to you, Mum.

Thanks for all the messages again. I'm too tired right now to reply to everything but I'll try and do that tomorrow. They are all appreciated.

It has begun

First of all, thanks to everyone for the emails, texts and messages - I am trying to keep up but not always managing due to one thing or the other. I really appreciate it all and I will reply to everyone in due time.

I've just had my first session of chemo and so far so good. The nausea is likely to kick in later so I've made sure to eat something before it starts. It was a fairly straightforward affair, although my veins were far from cooperative - I ended up having to stick my arms in warm water so that the nurse could find one that would do the job. First they gave me a mixture of anti-sickness medication before injecting the first drug. This turned out to be a bit tricky as I had a mild allergic reaction - you could see which way the drug was circulating as red and itchy skin surrounded the vein in question. It did clear after a while so nothing major. The second drug was then injected and nothing to report there. It didn't take that long but it did take longer than anticipated because of the allergic reaction. They also inject a saline solution at the end to flush through your system.

It is almost certain that I will be losing my hair. I don't have a huge problem with that but I expect I might get upset when it happens. Apparently it should start falling out two weeks after the first treatment and it will all be lost quite quickly. I'll probably look into getting a wig. I have to say the first time I thought of an NHS wig the image of a blonde Ann Widdecombe sprang to mind. Now I know she doesn't wear a wig but it looks wrong. But the wigs, from what I've seen, actually look quite good so I'm not ruling it out. I'm starting a collection of hats incidentally so if anyone sees anything nice please let me know. And yes, despite everything, a Liverpool hat is already on my list.

Oh, I'm also thinking of things to keep me busy while, or rather if, I'm feeling rough. So far I've got books, magazines, DVDs and computer games (which are absolutely fabulous to take your mind off things). Any suggestions?

Thanks again to everyone. Hope you're all well and behaving.

Of juicers and other matters

My juicer arrived a couple of days ago and I'm ashamed to admit I got a bit excited by the prospect of using it. The rationale behind juicing is that you get all the vitamins and minerals in an easily digestible form, which is important when your body's being bombarded with nasty treatments. In terms of nutrition, it's difficult to do much better. So here I am with my juicer, and a juicing book - a recipe for disaster, some might think. And they would be almost right. I don't do novelty very well and I did get a tad stressed but I got there eventually. Not helped by the fact that the juicer had a hissy spit - I'll get my coat - and generously sprayed the surrounding appliances. Needless to say there was no gratitude for redecorating the kitchen, free of charge, with a wide range of amber tones. I really enjoyed my first juice - I had no idea what to expect and was therefore pleasantly surprised. I have found a couple of juices which are specifically good for breast cancers. I need to find a couple of recipes that might help with my blood count, as this is likely to drop considerably with chemotherapy and make me more susceptible to infections as a result. I got a couple of books out of the library today and might do some research online.

I haven't done much in the past few days. I did a bit more shopping but have been ordered not to buy anything else as the fridge has become a bit of a hazard, with things falling out whenever you open the door. I've also baked a couple of soda bread loaves and prepared some homemade humous. How exciting is that? I did go to the London Aquarium and had a very good time - there's something about marine life, I find it fascinating. I'm still thinking about going to Richmond Park over the weekend, especially as the weather is looking good.

I have to thank everyone for being so helpful and generous. Thank you for the flowers, the heather arrangement, the cards, the juicer, the financial support and the overall help. Team Anne-Marie's looking rather good - Vicky and her posse won't know what's hit them. My greengrocer also told me that if I ever needed anything I could just phone them and they'd deliver it. I also got some encouraging news from a person who had offered me some volunteering work before Vicky made her appearance. She said that I could do as much or as little work as I can, depending on how I react to treatment. And in the worst case scenario they'll wait for me to recover and see what needs to be done then. This means a lot to me - it gives me something else to focus on, something to look forward to.

Enjoy your weekend

And so it is

First of all I've changed the settings so that anyone can leave comments - apologies to those who had to create an account to leave a message.

I had my final appointment/scan today. The MRI scan was fairly straightforward, if not particularly enjoyable. I got some good and bad news regarding Vicky. I need to make it clear, though, that in terms of prognosis the bad news only has a very marginal negative outcome - it really doesn't make a huge difference. But I got upset when I heard it, as did Mum, so it's important that I make this clear. The bad news is that it is a grade 3 cancer, which means it is an aggressive form. I had been told by the breast consultant that it was a grade 2 tumour but my oncologist informed me that it was grade 3. Another possible bad news is that it tested positive for high levels of HER2 receptors. HER2 is a protein found on the tumour which is bound by another protein (known as a human epidermal growth factor), thereby enabling cell division and growth - basically bad news. However, it means that I'll be prescribed Herceptin, a drug which effectively binds to the HER2 protein and stops the growth factor from attaching to it. In addition, Herceptin attracts immune cells to help destroy cancer cells. All in all, this is more accurately neutral news. On the positive side, there are several items of good news. First, my bone scan came back clear and although it is not 100% certain yet it appears that my lymph nodes are also unaffected. The other tests also showed no abnormalities. But best of all, my tumour cells are both oestrogen and progesterone positive. It does mean that I'll be getting hormone therapy for 5 years but it also means that the risk of the cancer returning is reduced by about 50% (according to what I've read so far). My oncologist was certainly "glad" (in these circumstances) to get such results.

So now I wait for chemotherapy to start on Monday. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried. When signing the consent form this morning I was given the full list of possible side effects. These range from the well documented nausea, fatigue and hair loss, to the less known but possible development of leukaemia, though the risk is limited to 0.1 to 0.2%. The benefits far outweigh this risk. There is also a 50% chance that I'll become infertile. Overall the treatment looks like this:

1. Chemotherapy - This aims to shrink the tumour as well as reduce the risk of the cancer returning. The tumour is reduced in 80% of cases and actually disappears completely in 10% of cases. The remaining 10% of cases see no change or an increase in tumour size. There are two phases. First, I'll get two drugs (adriamycin and cyclophosphamide) administered every three weeks for four cycles, then I'll get four cycles of another drug (Docetaxel).

2. Surgery - This will obviously remove the lump and possibly lymph nodes.

3. Radiotherapy - I might not need this step.

4. One year of Herceptin (through injections I believe) and five years of hormone therapy.

I'm off to enjoy my last few days free of treatment. I hope you are all well.

And thank you for the comment you've left - I'll try and respond soon.

One more test to go - maybe

First of all I've decided I was going to name my cancer Vicky Pollard because the word cancer conjures far too many negative emotions when it deserves nothing but contempt.

After spending my weekend shopping for organic food and food supplements, and spending a lovely evening in Battersea Park, I was back in hospital this morning for a mammogram. The appointment letter kindly told me that it could take up to four weeks to get the results - the suspense is already killing me. Then I had a scan, which showed not only my tumour but also a couple of cysts. A coil was inserted in or on the tumour. This procedure will not only let us know whether the chemotherapy is shrinking Vicky but it will also help locate it during the operation. It was a completely painless procedure, the mammogram was actually more painful.

I then went to see the research and breast cancer nurses to discuss a few matters. I have declined to take part in the clinical trial but I will probably be taking part in a couple of other studies which aim to look at the impact of chemotherapy on the heart and the differences between women under and over 40 years in terms of cancer evolution. The trial I declined is aiming to look at different combinations of drugs as well as the timing of administration of different drugs. Because the side effects of one of the drugs are supposed to be particularly unpleasant I want to start with that nasty drug - I just want to get it out of the way basically.

I did get some good news. The Willow Foundation is a charity which aims to organise special days out for young adults - and yes, I still classify as young despite (I'm not going to name names) what 21-year-old sisters might think - who suffer from serious illnesses. This normally takes place at the end of the treatment. The patients get to choose what they would like to do and the Foundation will organise and fund the special day. This has actually cheered me up a bit so I will have to look into this.

I have tomorrow off and I'll be off shopping again, trying to find the best places to buy organic fruit and vegetables. And then, if I've managed to forgive them, I might watch Liverpool take on PSV.

Dates known and other things

I now know when all of my tests are being done (two on Monday and the MRI scan on Wednesday), and I will be starting chemotherapy on Monday 18 September at 10.30 am. I am exhausted - it has been a long week, one which has left me drained emotionally, physically and mentally. I have spent hours in waiting rooms, having tests done and commuting. Although I'm worried about the treatment and side effects of chemotherapy I'm glad I'll be settling into a routine soon and won't require all these tests. I did get two good news items. First, my liver was clear. And secondly, there's the likelihood that I won't be getting my period - and therefore PMS - during chemotherapy. That's excellent news as far as I'm concerned, especially for those who have to live with me or see me regularly.

I'm about to set off to buy some organic food and food supplements. A friend's ordered an information pack from the Bristol Cancer Care centre, which gives a lot of information on what to do to improve health during treatment and on all matters relating to cancer. Organic food, of course, can't be recommended enough because they contain no chemicals or hormones. There's also a need to get good supplements to support the body. So basically I'm looking into all this this weekend. I've also contacted The Haven, which is a centre in London providing complementary therapies such as acupuncture (very helpful for nausea), relaxation and visualisation techniques, among others. I have an appointment to see them on 27 September. There also appears to be workshops on nutrition during chemotherapy, as there are ways to minimise the side effects. A very good friend's already offered to buy me a juicer, which should help me absorb nutrients more easily. I also need to find foods high in antioxidants, but that shouldn't be a problem. Finally, I'm looking into buying books which provide recipes specifically for cancer sufferers as well as those providing information on ways to cope with this illness.

Um, at some point I'll also have to decide whether I want to take part in that clinical trial. Might just toss a coin. I'd better be off as a friend should be visiting me today. And Liverpool are playing at 12.45 pm AND THEY HAD BETTER WIN OR ELSE.

Enjoy your weekend.

A bit of a shock

I got the diagnosis of breast cancer on 5 September - three days ago. I think the news sunk in quite quickly - although my consultant didn't give me the initial results following the first biopsy some of the things he said led me to believe it wasn't going to be good news. And I was right.

As far as I'm concerned, the worst part is having to tell relatives and friends. I'm very lucky in that after having told my close family and friends, my mother took over. I know it's not easy for her either. Mind you, she coped very well on the first day, but that turned out to be short lived and a result of the sedation she received for a procedure she underwent on the day of my diagnosis. I was thinking 'Gosh, she's coping so well' but it did finally hit her. I'm very grateful that she is getting the ball rolling as it's all a bit overwhelming.

Following the diagnosis on Tuesday, I saw my oncologist on Wednesday to talk treatment options through and to order some more tests. I have the opportunity to take part in a clinical trial, which is something I'll have to think over this weekend. I was back in hospital yesterday for a bone scan, which involved being injected with a radioactive substance before being scanned, and I'm due back in today for a liver scan, which I believe should be a straightforward ultrasound. I have to go in on Monday for some more tests and squeeze in an MRI scan at some point before treatment begins. I'll be seeing my oncologist again on Wednesday to make my final decision and sign papers. And I should be starting chemotherapy on 15 or 22 September. So much to look forward to.

The chemotherapy aims to reduce the size of the lump before it is removed. I should have 4 to 6 months of chemotherapy followed by the operation and finally some radiotherapy. And in 9 months time I'm hoping that this two-centimetre mass of misbehaving cells will have buggered off.

Overall I think I'm coping ok. I'm very tired and already fed up with my trips to the hospital - not a great start. Thankfully everyone has been extremely supportive and helpful. The tumour has been caught early and it's growing at an intermediate rate. It could've been a lot worse.