Final post

Well I think it's time for me to abandon this blog as nothing much is happening treatment-wise and my life really isn't interesting enough to carry on posting.

I'll quickly say that the result of my first heart scan showed that there was no significant change in my heart function, which means I can carry on with receiving Herceptin. I've had five sessions, 13 to go.

So a big thank you to everyone for keeping me company and giving me support during what has been a bit of a challenging year. It made a big difference, especially when not feeling at my best, so it has been gratefully appreciated.

I leave you by wishing you all a Merry Christmas. Here's hoping 2008 will be exceptional for everyone, and for all the good reasons.

Training

There isn't much to report, which isn't a bad thing I guess. 'Work' is going well, I'm enjoying going there every week even if the task isn't exactly fulfilling. There are plenty of opportunities to do some more hands-on volunteering there and I'm looking into doing a couple of things. The only problem is my body as I'm not quite sure how much physical work it can take, but they're fairly flexible. I'd be quite interested in volunteering in their wildlife garden as it would nicely complement the Wildlife Gardening course I'm taking. There's also a water vole project which I'm hoping to get involved in.

One of the reasons I'm quite keen to do more with them is that they've offered me the opportunity to go on a training course on MapInfo, which is a GIS software quite widely used. They're not paying for the whole of the course but they are contributing towards the costs. It'd be a bit silly of me to miss out on it since a Masters in GIS is still on the cards. I'm very, very grateful for this opportunity.

Other than that, the knitting's going well. I'm a tad obsessive at times so I'm spending hours doing it instead of getting in touch with people or studying. Hopefully that will wear off. Especially as I've registered for an Open University course - a research course on geohazards. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm hoping it'll come in handy at some point. I'm thinking of writing my project on floods if possible.

Things are looking good in other words. I hope they are for you too.

Treatment and first proper day at work

First of all, thank you all for my birthday messages, emails, cards and pressies. I had a good day once the trip to hospital was over. One of my presents was a knitting kit, as I'd said I wanted to try it again after being told by a teacher that I wasn't much good at it - childhood scars, eh? My hands and arms are now hurting quite a lot, which is a clear indication of my level of fitness. Appalling.

My first day at 'work' went very well. I was basically inducted - and not induced - and shown how to use the software. It doesn't seem to be too complicated - at least I hope so - and everyone seems very friendly. We - the other volunteer and I - were told several times that they would be opportunities to do different types of jobs, so it's all looking very promising. I gather the Trust is expanding and there certainly seemed to be a lot going on. I'll be working Thursdays to start with, and should be able to increase the number of days in the future. They took on five volunteers out of 33 applicants, so I'm very happy I was taken on.

I had my fourth Herceptin lot on Monday. It was fairly straightforward, as always, and I sat next to my friend Leslie and chatted for the whole session. It's nice to be able to talk to people who've been through the same thing. She told me that if you miss a session, and miss your 28-day window between treatments, you have to start from scratch. I had no idea. I should get a heart scan in the next couple of weeks to see whether it's affecting my heart, but I'm not worried either way. It would be better if I didn't have to stop treatment, obviously, but any damage should be reversible.

I got a text from a friend in Switzerland. We were in primary school together but I hadn't heard from her in a long time. It turns out she was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, too. It came as a bit of a shock. She seems fine and I hope I'll be able to catch up with her soon enough. That's three friends of mine who have had cancer, and I find it worrying. It just goes to show that it's affecting young people more and more and there's no room for complacency.

On this rather sombre note, I'm off to rest my arms. Hope you're all well and happy.

New job starts today

Well I start my new 'job' at 11am today and I have to say I'm a bit anxious. My Mum reminded me that I haven't worked in over 10 years and it all suddenly seems daunting. Still, I'm sure it'll be fine.

I had an appointment with my oncologist this week and it went very well. My mammogram came back clear so I can try to relax about that abnormal tissue in my other breast. I'm getting my next dose of Herceptin on Monday - my birthday, now can you think of a better way to spend it than on the chemo unit? - and I should be getting a heart scan in the next few weeks. The oncologist doesn't believe I'm at risk of heart damage but obviously they need to be sure. They stop Herceptin if your heart function decreases by 10% or more. The good news is that the damage is mainly reversible, so whatever happens, I'll be fine.

I'm adding a few photos. The first is of the smoke I could see when the fire broke in one of the Olympics' site. It doesn't do the scale of it justice - it was impressive. Thankfully the winds were blowing that horrid smoke away from us.


As you know, I have bird food placed on the tree in front of my room. I've seen a few species feed on it - mainly blue and great tits and starlings - but I had a surprise visitor this week which was clearly hungry. I didn't expect to see a grey squirrel on an urban street but there you go.


Another shot of the obviously starving thief.


And him sitting there looking at me, crumbs all around his little mouth.


I don't think he's come back again but I'm keeping an eye on it. Not that he responded when I tried to shoo him off.

I hope you're all well. I know I owe people emails and I will do my best to get some written very soon but special messages required.

First, to Isabelle and Yann, who are expecting their first baby. I'm so happy for you - felicitations! J'espere que tout se passe, et se passera, pour le mieux, et je suis impatiente de voir la nouvelle addition (quadrilingue!) faire son entree.

Last but not least, to Justin: Happy 6th Birthday! I hope you have a great time today and get lots of presents and cake. Hopefully I'll talk to you later.

Headaches, migraines and a job

Thought it was time to update you on how things are going. I'm having a few problems with headaches, which I believe are caused by Herceptin. I ended up having two migraines last week and - would you believe it - they have left me feeling quite tired. I think it's not unusual when you're taking Herceptin to have such problems but I'm not very good at not knowing. I'm seeing my oncologist next week so I'll mention it to her and see what she has to say. This week actually hasn't been too bad - I'm just exhausted.

On a more positive note, I got myself the ideal volunteering post. It's one day a week, office-based at the London Wildlife Trust. I'll be working as part of the London Biodiversity Partnership and this will involve entering data in Recorder, which is the primary database used in conservation. They haven't said what I'll be doing exactly but it involves all things linked to survey work. They have warned me that it will involve 'routine work' but I'm not particularly fussed. There should also be plenty of scope to get training if I stay there long enough. It really is the ideal opportunity for me, and I'm very happy I got it. The whole process of getting it was a bit vague: I had to send in a CV and a statement - "How I will use this experience to benefit wildlife conservation" (120 words) - and attend an informal interview. But all along, I had no idea what they expected of applicants so I just went with the flow, as they say. I had the interview last Friday and got the phone call yesterday - it's been a long week. I knew they were interviewing people on Tuesday of this week, too, so it meant having to be patient and hope for the best. Anyway, here I am - very, very happy. I've also been teaching myself a new programming language (PHP, for those who know what it is) and despite a few problems with the software, it's now all running smoothly-ish. I'm happy.

Michael, it was great to see you again, even if it meant missing the Liverpool game ;)

Hope you're all looking forward to a good weekend.

Herceptin #3 and conspiring hair

I'm off for my third Herceptin session this morning. I've got an early-ish appointment and I'm hoping I'll be seen more or less on time as it should mean being done before the poor souls around me start getting the nasty drugs. It's kinder on my nerves this way. I'm not holding my breath though. I'll probably be boring you with how Herceptin works soon, it's quite interesting if you're into such things.

These past few days have been quiet again. Going out made me very tired, and my sleep has been interrupted by some ulcer-type pain, which is not unusual for me. This has resulted in me being a bit of a zombie for the past few days. Still, I managed to go shopping on Friday - Oxford Street no less - as my weight isn't budging much and I've not clothes that fit. I managed to get a few items but I can't say it was enjoyable. My weight and body shape are starting to stress me now so having to try on a number of trousers was slightly depressing. Anyway, to cheer myself up, I decided to dye my hair. So far, whatever I've used has resulted in me getting orange hair - auburn and copper both led to orange/ginger hair, and golden blonde to light orange. Since I wanted orange hair again, I opted for auburn. And yes, you've guessed it, my hair's now auburn. I suspect this is good news as it should mean my hair's thickening.

Oh, I've finally updated Bradley and Laura's website - you can check the wedding photos and profiles if you don't believe me. Oh and good luck to those starting new jobs - I'll be thinking of you.

I'd better be off. Be good and enjoy your day/evening.

Autumn walks

Nothing of much interest is happening at the moment. I'm working on some web design and trying to be patient - I'm quite frustrated at not being able to do much but I'm not managing to settle down to much of what I can do either. Still, I was wheeled around Kew Gardens (again) and Battersea Park in the past few days so I'm attaching some photos.

This was a posing cormorant that more or less welcomed us as we got in. It stayed with its wings stretched for some time - probably trying to dry them, unless it's a specific behaviour I'm not aware of.


This is one of the lakes and the building (on the right) which houses the permanent Plants and People Exhibition.

And this is just a typical autumnal photo. We went along a path that could easily have been named the 'world oak path', with a number of indigenous and introduced species. It was interesting to see the different leaf shapes and stages.



Last week I was able to go to Battersea Park and managed to get a decent picture of a heron. They are either very photogenic or I'm very lucky when I take a photo of them.

I'm hoping to go to the Wetland Centre and Richmond Park in the next few days - it's the perfect time of the year for it all, especially if you're lucky enough to have good weather.

My headaches are still a bit of a problem. I've worked out it's down to posture most of the time so I'm being careful and it's helping. Tiredness is certainly not helping and I need to make sure I drink enough water, which I don't always do. But I'm happy enough, things are progressing and I'm now considering going away - Cheshire and Cornwall are on the cards if people will have me there...

If you have the time, check Bradley and Laura's blog - I'm not even remotely jealous.

Bugs and all

I'm due in hospital for my second lot of Herceptin tomorrow. Since there are no side-effects with it, I'm not dreading it as such. I've ranted often enough so you'll know I don't like the place, but all in all, it's not too bad. The biggest problem could be the nurse trying to find a vein that will co-operate. One attempt was particularly painful last time as she had to go for the hand. Apparently, the collapsing and blowing veins are a result of chemotherapy, and they should recover with time. Fingers crossed.

I've been feeling very, very tired. This is possibly the worst fatigue I've experienced, and I've only just realised that I need to give myself a break and not insist that I get up and do things. I've also had a bug of some sort - I've had a headache for several days now, though it's better than it was. The hot flushes appear to have made a comeback and I can't say I'm pleased about it. Apparently there is some medication to control them if it gets too bad. At the moment I'm not sure what's going on - I suspect my hormone levels are all over the place. But I'm not ruling out trying to control these hot flushes.

I realise that I must come across as a miserable old bat at times. I'm not, really. I'd like things to be different but I know that time will come. I've lost a little weight, which is great. I'm starting to know how to manage my hair, which is growing - to quote Justin - 'curvy'. My Mum reckons that there's a definite kink (is that the right word?) to it, and I have to admit it pretty much does what it wants, however hard I try to keep it straight. What I'm trying to say is that my body's apparently getting back to normal, and that feels great.

Hope you've all had good weekends.

Nintendo Wii

First of all, I need to have a rant so if you want to avoid this, skip to the next paragraph. I joined Facebook - I know, I know - as I was curious about the phenomenon. Straight away, a friend from uni got in touch so I've kept my account. I thought I'd do a bit of research and checked groups for breast cancer. Top of the list was the group 'Abortion causes breast cancer'. I was incensed. Irrespective of what you think of abortion, this group is at best dishonest - I won't tell you what I really think of it. The fact is that most women with breast cancer have not had an abortion, and most women who have an abortion will not develop breast cancer. Recent meta-analyses have shown that the risk is negligible or non-existent. At the most abortions could be a risk factor, but the link, to put it mildly, is no more than tenuous. The good thing is that it has woken me from my torpor - nothing like winding me up to get me going.

On a better note, I have given in and got myself a Nintendo Wii. It's good fun and it's actually going to get me to exercise a bit - relatively speaking of course. I started playing tennis straight away but could hardly use my right arm after that - my 'biceps' were so painful, I had problems brushing my teeth. This is bad enough without mentioning the knees and right hip. Mind you, I thought I was out of shape then came across something in a newspaper about levels of fitness in the UK - apparently more than 50% of people are unable to cycle for 20 minutes, 68% cannot do 20 sit-ups and 42% are unable to climb three flights of stairs without becoming breathless. This makes me positively average. Anyway, a few days on and I'm still aching so I'm going to have to be careful.

Other than that, I'm trying to find a rhythm again. My next treatment is on 8 October and I need to seriously think about getting involved in something as the treatment's not affecting me. I'm thinking of taking up a language, but something different - Mandarin or a Cyrillic language (as I am partly of Lithuanian descent). At a later date I'd like to do something a bit more demanding but I need to be fit enough. I'd like to have guitar lessons and do something woodwork related. In the meantime I'm working on my Wildlife Gardening course and trying to organise starting my volunteering at the Pesticide Action Network.

Stephanie, thank you VERY MUCH for the photos - they're great. It's so different to what I know. Michael, hope you've recovered from Wednesday. And Hazel, here's hoping we perform a lot better tomorrow and get the three points.

Be good.

One year on

I started chemotherapy one year ago today - I can't quite believe it's been one year already. Not that it should come as a surprise, since I had six months of chemo, then one month off before surgery, and finally seven weeks of radiotherapy. It all adds up in the end. I'm just glad chemotherapy's well and truly behind me.

Yesterday I had my first injection of Herceptin, and thankfully I suffered no side-effects whatsoever. That in itself feels great but it wasn't what I'd call a good day. I hadn't realised I'd got quite worked up until Sunday evening, when the headache I'd had all day started to make me feel quite sick. The headache was still there yesterday morning, and the digestive system had joined in. So I made my way there, with my Mum, feeling miserable. Although my appointment was at 10am, I wasn't seen until 11.45am - this didn't exactly help the nerves. The nurse then had problems with my veins - I had to place my hand in a bowl of hot water, which didn't help as much as hoped: two veins blew, and one semi-collapsed, leaving me with three bruises. The injection itself was fine: it lasted 90 minutes and there were no side-effects. Unfortunately, as a precautionary measure, I was made to stay on the ward until 5.20pm. I think the only way I can explain how bad this place is for me is by saying that I didn't drink or eat anything - I was far too tense to do it, if that makes any sense. The chemotherapy ward is a place where people clearly look ill, if not when they get in, as the treatment progresses. You walk in looking pale (usually) and you slowly turn into a weird shade of grey-green. Yesterday was particularly bad as several people were wheeled in looking extremely ill - the stereotypical cancer patient, emaciated, all skins and bones. At one point, a woman was clearly suffering and groaning in pain, and had to be given oxygen. I did find yesterday particularly upsetting - I don't know whether it was because I was very tired and stressed, but I was close to tears. Compared to what some people have been through or are going through, I have had it easy. And I've had some pretty bad times. I can't imagine working in such an environment, but the nurses there do an outstanding job. You always here about how bad the NHS supposedly is, about how unhappy nurses are, but if they are, they certainly don't let it affect their jobs. They make the whole experience a lot easier for the patients with their caring, kindness and sense of humour, and they're doing it under very difficult conditions. They deserve a heck of a lot more credit than they get.

Other than that, I don't seem to be having any side-effects with Tamoxifen either. Maybe the nausea of last week was down to stress, or something I'd eaten or even a bug. Besides the exhaustion caused by yesterday's trip, I feel fine. I'm not complaining.

I hope life is treating you kindly. I'll try and sort some more photos soon.

All sorted

The appointment on Wednesday went as well as these things can. It was basically a follow-up appointment and the oncologist was happy at the very good recovery - my skin's not far from back to normal. She also prescribed some anti-sickness tablets as Tamoxifen has started to make me feel quite unwell, keeping me awake most of the night. It seems to be helping, I hope I've seen the worst as far as this goes. I suspect you can't expect any hormonal treatment to be easy going.

I also mentioned the pain I'm in if I do anything remotely demanding, and I was told that I needed time and to be patient. From what I've read, the second chemo drug I got can cause mid- to long-term problems - neuropathy being one, and this could explain the pain. It's a bit frustrating - I think I was patient enough whilst undergoing all my main treatment, with the view that things would improve almost straight away once it was all over. It's not a major problem as such, it's simply not a problem I was expecting.

I received a phone call earlier telling me I'll be starting Herceptin on Monday, with the bonus that I'll have to spend six hours in hospital to monitor any possible side-effects. I'm not sure if I'll have someone with me - my Mum has a course in the afternoon, but Laura has offered to come with me, though she's supposed to be going back to Cornwall on Monday.

I guess I'm not having the best of times right now but I'm sure it'll all settle down soon enough. Enjoy your weekend.

Oh, Stephanie, I'm not sure I could live without any lush green vegetation - have you got any piccies of what plants you do get? Hope you're all well.

Back home

What can I say? I don't think I'll ever be disappointed when going to Cornwall. We were very lucky weatherwise - there was only one day of drizzle. There were clouds of course, but a lot more sun, especially near the end of our stay. The wedding was extremely enjoyable - it had Laura and Bradley's stamp all over it. Laura wore a beautiful green dress made by our mother and Bradley wore a classy suit (I'll have to try and nick some photos from someone/somewhere - I didn't have my camera with me, what with being the chief bridesmaid and all). The ceremony was laid back, simple and pleasant. We all moved on to a military base for the rest of the day where we ate some very good food. All in all, a perfect day. I'll update the website soon so you can have a better idea.

The rest of the fortnight was spent on the coast, visiting National Trust places, Lappa Valley and the Eden Project, among other things. I wasn't able to do all the things I would've liked to but I had a brilliant time. I haven't sorted my photos yet so I'm just including a couple. The first one is of Trerice, which is an Elizabethan manor house complete with gardens.


The second one is of Bedruthan Steps, which are volcanic rock stacks resulting from erosion. Photos can never really convey such places - it was very, very impressive - and we couldn't have asked for better weather.


As for my treatment, I started taking Tamoxifen on Saturday evening - I'd promised the registrar I'd start taking it as soon as I got back from holiday. I'm feeling slightly nauseaous but no other side-effects so far. I gather they might come later. I have an appointment on Wednesday 12 September to see my oncologist. I think she'll check how my skin is recovering following radiotherapy, and I suspect we'll be looking into starting Herceptin. I can't say I'm overjoyed by it, but as has become the case, it's got to be done.

I hope you're all well.

Off for two weeks

Well would you believe it? Chaos has taken over as (last-minute) packing can no longer be ignored. Even by my standards, I've exceeded myself.

I'm sorry I haven't been able to email everyone. I'll make sure it's done when I get back.

I'm not sure what I'll be able to do while I'm down there as the pain is still bad, but sitting on a beach has got to be better than staring out of a window in central London.

Hope you're all well. Behave while I'm away.

To all Fribourgeois

Now if this doesn't bring a smile to your faces, nothing will. To those who don't know Fribourg, ignore this post.

Good news mainly

I received a letter on Friday telling me I was entitled to Disability Living Allowance (DLA) - because I can't do anything alone really. It's good news for a number of reasons. First, I get additional financial help which is more than welcome, especially as I would like to eat more healthily. Second, DLA is a gateway benefit, which means I'm entitled to further help. I've looked into it and I should be able to get a railcard (with 1/3 off most fares), a taxicard for cheaper taxi rides and, best of all, a Freedom Pass, which should let me travel for free in London. I'm still waiting to hear on this one, but a quick chat with an adviser seemed to confirm my entitlement to it. It's wait and see I guess. So a special big thank you goes to Finn who, thanks to her previous jobs, was able to help me fill in my successful DLA claim, and to my Mum and Hazel, for suggesting available additional help. It should make a massive difference to my life.

I've also phoned the British Red Cross to hire a wheelchair. I'd only be entitled to it for three months maximum, but that ought to give me an idea as to how useful they are. I can then decide to hire another one and actually pay for it - the British Red Cross requires a deposit but is free otherwise, though donations are more than welcome. So that's looking good, too.

And since I was on a roll, I also contacted Pesticide Action Network for my volunteering. I have an appointment set up so with a little luck, I'll be up and running doing something for them very soon. Though I'm not 100% sure how ready I am for that. I guess time will tell. And if they are flexible, I'll be able to ease into it without any trouble.

Other than that, I finished my first painting in acrylic. It really is completely different to oil painting so I'm going to have to get used to it. I decided to stick what I've been doing more recently, but I'll be doing a couple of paintings as Christmas presents so I'll be moving back to landscapes for that. I don't mind either way. The only concern is that I can't paint too long because of the pain. Even typing is a problem as my fingers and wrists, and to some extent my arms, start to hurt after a while - one of the reasons it's taking me so long to e-mail people.

(Hazel, I'm not sure how to describe this painting. I drew a rectangle and used different tones of orange so that it goes from dark orange to light orange. The rest of the painting goes from light to dark orange. If someone finds a better way to describe it, please let me know).

Last bit for today. I decided to dye my hair using Henna dye, to cover greys and nourish my hair. So I bought myself some auburn dye and applied it on Saturday. My hair's now ginger and orange - it would appear that my hair's too fine and/or too light. But it has given it volume and it feels a lot better - it's not far from its first proper outing. I've not been out without a headscarf since October, it's quite exciting.

Be good.

Nothing much to report

So I thought I'd post some drawings made by my friend Valerie's children. Valerie visited me from Switzerland for a couple of days. Her children were a bit anxious that all she was bringing me was a picture of them so they took their colouring pens out. I have to admit (here goes my tough image) that I was very touched by this gesture. Jade drew the first two pictures. Jade's 3 years old and at this moment in her life, can't really mix circles and straight lines in her drawings - which is fair enough in my opinion.



This heart with its ponytails - in case you thought they were horns, they're clearly not - was drawn by 9-year-old Dariane. I have to say I quite like the clashing of bright colours in this drawing, and she certainly was very meticulous about it all.

And the final drawing was made by Mathias, who's 11 and actually not keen on drawing at all. Well I think it's a fantastic effort. I used to draw butterflies a lot when I was young (couple of years ago) but I can't remember ever doing one so colourful.
I look at the pictures a lot - they tend to brighten my days.

Other than that, I've basically been housebound. My father and Claudia came over last week and I thought I'd better mention this as there was a bit of a hissy fit for not being mentioned on the blog. More importantly, there was a threat to take my Zweifel paprika crisps back to Switzerland - the most cruel thing you could do to me. Not impressed. (I haven't eaten all the crisps yet, Dad - thanks for bringing them over).

I'm thinking of starting an Anne-Marie Blackburn Nintendo Wii Fund as I read an article by a woman claiming that this games console had helped her overcome breast cancer. Well, if it's on the internet, it must be true.

Hope you're enjoying life.

Unlimited boredom

I think I've reached the ultimate point in boredom. I don't think I was ever one to cope very well with not doing much, so after ten months of it, it's starting to make itself felt unequivocally. I'm too tired to do much, and when I do things, I tend to end up in a lot of pain. It usually starts with the ankles (having to put up with a lot more weight for starters), and as I overcompensate, everything goes. And once I've actually done something, I need a few days to recover completely. I suspect you've heard this all before, I'm just starting to lose patience. My fingers seem to be in constant pain, and if I need to get up during the night, my ankles and legs are usually hurting. I'm not quite sure what's that all about. Either I've been lying around too much doing nothing, or the chemo's done some kind of damage. So a trip to The Haven is on the cards and I'm hoping they'll have something that might help.

I've done a bit of painting and that's going reasonably well. But other than reading and watching TV, that's about it. I'm a bit stuck and not quite sure what to do for the best - either I rest or I try to gently push myself. It's particularly problematic since summer has decided to make an appearance - the blue skies and lovely evenings are an invitation for trouble really. Decisions decisions, and I'm really not good at having to make my mind up.

Thankfully we'll all be off to Cornwall soon - a welcome two-week break on the North Coast, can't ask for much more. I'm deciding what to do with Justin, who'll be with us for one week - teaching him to swim, looking at rock pools (better learn to recognise species), flying his kite (better learn to fly one), building sand castles, going to an organic smallholding (where Auntie Laura works) and a pirate-themed treasure hunt. Parents, feel free to recommend things. (And if Fiona or Patrick read this, please don't tell Justin about the treasure hunt - that's a surprise).

Roll on the footie season - I know Michael (e-mail on its way) is looking forward to it, and I suspect Hazel, Boris and Wendy (e-mails on their way) can't wait either.

Enjoy the sun. Or whatever weather you're experiencing in more exotic places (Australia and Dubai, among others - Stephanie and Isabelle, e-mails on their way).

First week of freedom

And it's been fairly uneventful. I'm too tired to do much so I've just been enjoying not having to get to hospital. Last Friday was a nightmare as several roads in Battersea were flooded, which meant I had to do quite a lot of walking to catch a bus, which stopped before St Thomas's so that I had to catch a cab. There were quite a lot of delays and congestion, and I was late for my appointment. I had to see both a radiographer and an oncologist before I could make my way home. I tried catching a taxi but roads were still closed all over Battersea. I made my way to Waterloo hoping that the trains were running. They were so I hopped on one, walked home and spent the rest of the day in considerable pain. All this could have been avoided if a radiographer had told me my appointment had been changed from 5.45pm to 10.30am though. But there you go. Compared to Gloucesterhire and the likes we got off lightly.

I'll be having a follow-up appointment in about four weeks time though I received my prescription for hormone treatment, which, as agreed with my oncologist, I won't be taking until I come back from Cornwall (early September). I've no plans until my appointment. I had a friend over from Switzerland for a couple of days and I took her on a bus trip on Wednesday - not the wisest of moves. I'm knacked but glad she got to see some of the sights. I look forward to being able to do little things - it really doesn't have to be much. The good news is that travel by bus for 'poor people' in London is going to be very cheap at £0.45 a go from next month thanks to a deal between London and Venezuela. This ought to mean many days out for me.

Enjoy your weekends.

Final session

The final day has arrived at last. I find it a bit hard to think that I've been getting treatment for seven long weeks now, but my breast certainly bears the bruises of being nuked or toasted - some of the terms used by my fellow patients. The whole of the top right quarter is still burned but the boosts have targeted the scar area so that I have an additional big red circle around it. The skin has broken in several places and is peeling, and different skin tissues have reacted in different ways with some areas actually getting lighter. Add to this my two scars and the blue dye injected during surgery and you'll forgive me for feeling like a bit of a freak.

Far more important to me is the fact that my hair is almost back to normal. It's still a bit thin and it hasn't grown as such (I got my Mum to cut off the long fluffy ones), but it has thickened, which means I'll be able to go out without a headscarf very soon. I'll make sure it's dyed red for its first outing. The eyelashes are also almost back to normal but my eyebrows appear to be struggling at the moment. My weight isn't really budging but as a tutor once told me, in the grand scheme of things it hardly matters.

One thing I find quite interesting is that I feel like doing active things - maybe as a result of being housebound for so long and not being able to do much. On the (possible) cards are snorkeling, flying a kite, mountain-biking (gentle slopes only), tennis and good old walking. I will of course have to gradually build up my stamina and that's where my trampoline comes in. I can't wait to get going again - the possibilities seem endless.

Hope everyone's well and enjoying whatever they're up to.

Broken machines and viruses

The past 10 days or so have been quite eventful as far as getting radiotherapy goes. The broken machine wasn't repaired until Wednesday, which led to quite long delays but also the appearance of friendly faces as people usually treated upstairs were being sent downstairs. Unfortunately no sign of my Italian friends but never mind. I know I go on about how unpleasant the place is downstairs but everyone who's accompanied me agrees. Mum, who kept me company on Tuesday, felt physically sick - and she came on a good day, when no one was coughing up blood and generally the more sickly looking patients were not around.

On top of that I started feeling unwell on Tuesday morning - shivering, with aches and pains all over. I took some Paracetamol and went to get my treatment, thinking I was only tired. I got home, tried to eat something but wasn't hungry at all, and started feeling a lot worse. My temperature went up to 39.7C (103.5F) but I got it under control then. I didn't go for treatment on Wednesday (which now means my treatment ends on 20 July - it really does feel never-ending ) but was told that I should really not miss any other appointments. So I went in on Thursday and yesterday, and got to see the oncologist yesterday. She did say I didn't look well and seemed very tired, but didn't think it was anything to worry about. I had a blood test to make sure my blood count was ok. I'm still feeling quite rubbish, with sore glands, a headache and now red spots all over my body. I phoned my surgery, just as a precautionary measure, but they don't seem to think it's serious. I couldn't have had a hospital appointment but that would've meant making my way to Putney, and I really don't fancy it today. I'm not particularly worried, just tired and generally unwell. I was told to drink a lot of water and eat healthily.

On a positive note I did go and see Harry Potter yesterday - I know I shouldn't have but it did me a world of good. Very enjoyable.

Be good

Main treatment almost over

Because Monday's appointment was canceled I haven't quite finished the main treatment, but from now on I should be getting boost sessions which target the area around the scar. And about time too, I'd say, as my skin is quite badly burnt and I have a couple of very small blisters. I was told to keep an eye on the whole area as the skin could break and might need special care as a result. The inflammation has also meant that my breast has swollen, which translates into longer treatment as my tattoos are no longer aligned with the machine (or other way round). So we're talking minor inconveniences rather than anything serious. I'm also very tired now and not really able to do anything. And so I shall enjoy the tennis this weekend, and I might watch some of the Live Earth concert but I'm not that fussed by it. Liverpool have their first pre-season friendly against the mighty Wrexham, the game being shown live online, so that's another possibility. Enough to keep me entertained, basically.

The machine treating me broke down on Thursday and was still not fixed yesterday. This means that I was sent downstairs, which in turn led to delays. I wasn't too bothered by this but I wasn't able to say goodbye to my upstairs friends, as I'll be treated downstairs from now on. Mind you, there's always the chance that they'll be sent downstairs for treatment as the machines seem to be quite moody these days. I hope I get to see my Italian friends as he's good fun. People were discussing how hair loss was more difficult for women and he said that in Italy baldness in men was a sign of having lots of good sex so he didn't mind losing his hair. He's such a gem.

Enjoy your weekends.

Day off

I got a phone call this morning telling me that the machine had broken down and that they'd therefore not be able to see me - which was a bit of a relief as it was a late afternoon session and they're not my favourite. This means they'll be adding a session at the end of my treatment I think.

I had the lump in my other breast checked out last week and it turns out it appears to be a lump of fat - with the breast specialist adding very quickly that it didn't mean I was fat. I begged to differ but decided not to be pedantic about it. So that's good news. They didn't mention me needing a scan so all's good.

The waiting room was quite entertaining last week. On Thursday, two people, within the space of ten minutes, spilled their glasses of water. The first one spilled it on the floor but the second one spilled it on the person sitting next to him - splashed him to be more precise. Which led to rows of people trying to laugh discreetly but failing miserably. It really feels like nursery school sometimes. A woman then walked in and gave me a one penny coin she had picked on the floor to bring me luck, which I thought was very sweet. And on Friday, my Italian friend brought me a jar of home-made sun-dried tomatoes, which I absolutely love. They are delicious. This is my last week at this place and it's safe to say that I will really miss all these people. They have been my companions on this particular stretch of treatment and I couldn't have asked for better people. I'm actually feeling quite upset by it.

On a happier note, my friend Liz has taken a week off work - unpaid leave - to keep me company. She's come down from Newcastle for the privilege so a big thank you to her. Hopefully she won't read this before she's back up norf or I'll get walloped. It gives my main carers a break and boy do they need one - can't thank them enough for everything.

I can't say I'm pleased about having to go to St Thomas's, which is just opposite the Houses of Parliament (for those who don't know). Do you think it's acceptable to say hello and play with sniffer dogs? Didn't think so...

Be good.

Mid-way point

Yesterday was session 17 out of 34 - and so unless I'm mistaken I've done half of it. The radiographers keep on telling me the main treatment will end next week, which it will, but it still leaves eight boost sessions which require daily trips to the hospital. And this, for me, is more important than whether I'm getting general or local treatment. I'm bored with these trips really. The problem is that you have to give yourself plenty of time to get there, which means having to wait there without taking into account the delays - 1 1/2 hours so far this week.

Still, the waiting room has been proving quite entertaining. I tend to sit with the same people if I can so I'm usually with this elderly Italian couple - whom I don't really understand as their accent is quite marked. Anyway on Monday I was treated to a conversation with the man - who's getting treatment - about how he wish there were more male radiographers as he didn't like exposing his 'bits' to the women. He said he wouldn't have minded had he been younger - *wink wink* - but that now there was nothing to be proud of. His wife was happily giggling next to him and I really had no idea what to say to him. I think this shows how all the prodding by oncologists, specialists of all sorts and radiographers makes you realise that your body is nothing but skin, tissue and bone. There was also some discussion yesterday about the water older men have to drink before they have their treatment. I think they have to drink at least two cups. A lot of them pull a face when drinking the water which is provided as it's lukewarm. Two of them started having a chat as to what they'd like to add to it - whiskey being the favourite. They were giggling like naughty school children and the radiographer who came to get them had to put up with this for a wee while. I was sitting next to another couple yesterday and the husband, who is getting treated, started telling me how drinking all this water often meant that he desperately needed the toilet on his way home. His wife joined in and started having a rant about the removal of urinals, which ended up in her saying that her husband ought to relieve himself on the street 'cos she would if it were her, man'. I'm starting to see why people miss the waiting room once they've completed treatment - you meet people who are going through the same thing, who are very open and funny, and who share their experiences with you. It's a bit like a support group without pretending to be one so that unexpected things and conversations often take place. Not sure I'm making any sense but it's a good thing.

Rambling over and time for me to get ready. Hope you're all well.

End of week 3

And this hasn't come soon enough. I'm starting to struggle with fatigue - the daily trips to hospital can be a bit stressful (those who have to commute in London will understand - and my skin is now red (it looks like sunburn). I'm not feeling unwell, just a tad tired. But I'm more or less half-way there and that feels good. I saw my oncologist this morning as I needed additional markings for the final eight boost sessions. That was pretty straightforward. I asked whether I am in remission - since no one had told me and I needed to hear it - and the answer was yes.

Sitting in the waiting room is proving quite entertaining. You tend to see the same faces every day and you get talking to people - you compare how long your treatment is, how much delay there was yesterday, your holiday plans, how much weight you've put on (I win) or lost, what time your appointment is on the following day. There is definitely a sense of camaraderie and that makes the trips more bearable. I'm definitely the youngest there but that's not an issue at all - we're all in the same boat.

The only worrying thing at the moment is a small lump I've found in my other (left) breast. I mentioned it to the registrar on Monday and he seems to think it's a cyst. I'm pretty sure it's nothing serious and I'll be getting an ultrasound at some point to check it out, but it is a bit worrying. I guess this is something you have to live with for the rest of your life once you've had cancer so it's a matter of handling it as best as you can. And I can't say I'm too bothered about it right now.

I also went to see my GP - an absolute star - yesterday as I get quite a lot of pain when I start doing things. The problem is that the end of chemotherapy does not mean an end to the side-effects. In the United States, they treat cancer as a chronic condition as treatment can have long-term consequences. It's simply a matter of getting my body back on its feet and gently start exercising, but because they don't quite understand how exactly certain chemo drugs affect the whole body, there is a need to be careful and not overdo it. There is a chance that healthy, non-rapidly dividing cells have been destroyed and therefore certain tissues need more time to recover.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a good weekend. I fancy doing a bit more painting, so this I shall do. Be good.

A third of treatment completed

First of all, congratulations to both Laura and Brad for getting their degree - I'm so pleased for you both and I know that this is the beginning of big and exciting things for you. They'll be graduating this weekend - I look forward to seeing the photos.

Treatment is going as well as could be expected. I am getting tired far more easily but it's not a massive problem yet. The 'good' thing about this daily treatment is that you get to see the same faces every day and you start making 'friends'. I was told several times last week that people who have completed their treatment miss the camaraderie of the waiting room. I guess it makes sense since most people are there for at least six weeks. I was supposed to see my oncologist this morning to get more tattoos - my last eight sessions will be more localised so they need to place marks around my scar(s?) - but she had to leave early. So Friday's radiotherapy will now take place in the morning, and I'll get the tattoos just after the session.

The good news is that my hair almost looks like proper hair now - I'm debating whether to trim it to encourage growth - and at long last my eyelashes are growing back, too. I have actually missed them - not least during cold and windy days which caused the tears to freely flow - and especially with the freak hairs merrily growing as if there were no tomorrow. So that feels good - a sense of normality coming back.

I was quite busy last week and managed to secure two volunteering opportunities. The first is with Pesticide Action Network, which is trying to eliminate the use of toxic pesticides. I first spoke to the Volunteering supervisor, who asked me to send in my CV and a covering letter. I duly obliged and was offered a position straight away. Then I contacted Camley Street Natural Park, which is right next to King's Cross, as they are always looking for trainee wardens. After a relatively long chat, it was agreed that I would start whenever I was ready. Both places were very friendly and very understanding of the situation I'm in so there is no pressure on me. I can't wait to get going.

I've also set up an ethical gardening website (not my idea but I should be contributing) - so far the name has been reserved and that's about it. I look forward to working on that as there is a certain sense of satisfaction in seeing your work published online. I've also started a painting for another friend whose birthday it was recently. It was my first attempt with acrylics and I really enjoyed it - it's very easy to use and the cleaning is quite straightforward if you do it immediately. Another friend has bought me a three-dimensional jigsaw of an old-fashioned globe and holy shamoly is that taking up a lot of my time. It's great fun though - however old that makes me sound.

So all in all I'm fine. I appear to be fighting off a cold but it's not too bad. I hope you have all enjoyed your weekends.

Radiotherapy

I meant to update this before starting radiotherapy but never got round to it. I've now had three sessions, and all I can say is that it's pretty straightforward. So far - touch wood - I've not had to wait to get treatment, and this only lasts about ten minutes. It's simply a question of lying on your back, not moving, and letting the machines do their job. Getting me in the right position is probably what takes the longest to be honest, the bombardments - x-rays is what radiotherapy is all about - only last two to three minutes. I've not had any reaction so far. I'm following their guidelines as far as skin care's concerned. I need to make sure the skin remains moist throughout the treatment, I'm only allowed to use baby soap, which means no deodorant or talcum powder on the side being treated. Which in turn means that you should avoid standing on my right side at this moment in time. I hope it doesn't get too hot but I have my doubts.

It now seems I won't be getting 25 but 34 sessions. Apparently I should've been told that eight 'booster' sessions are given as standard and are simply more localised treatment. And then I get an extra session in the simulator to get additional images I think. I'm glad I wasn't told this before treatment started - I found it very hard to get myself going knowing it was going to last five weeks, I think six and a half weeks would've been a bit too much. So far, things aren't too bad - I'm feeling a bit tired but this could be due to just about anything. But compared to chemotherapy and surgery, this is a walk in the park - famous last words no doubt. I'm being taken very good care of, so basically all I need to do is get to hospital, get treatment and get back home.

I have no plans as such. There's a sale on in Battersea Park at the weekend, where leftovers from the Chelsea Flower Show are being sold to us common mortals so a trip there looks like a distinct possibility. Other than that, the French Open is keeping me busy - and I know someone who must be very pleased to see three Serbian players in the semis.

I'd love to see the photos of your flowers and garden Stephanie. I will email you very soon.

Thanks for all the feedback on Laura and Brad's website. A special big thank you to Hazel for the comments regarding access for disabled people - I'm learning all the time.

Hope you're all fine and dandy.

Planning session

I had my planning session on Monday and that was fairly straightforward. Except that I didn't get to see my oncologist as she was stuck on the tube. So I actually don't know what the result of my echocardiogram was, but I suspect that had anything abnormal shown up, I would've been told.

I now have my tattoos - three dots: two on my sides and one in the middle of my chest - and I got my appointment list for the radiotherapy sessions themselves. I'll be starting on Monday 4 June and finishing on Friday 6 July. Unfortunately, all my appointments, bar one, are in the afternoon, which wouldn't have been my first choice. It's not a huge problem though - it just means that I won't be able to settle for hours of uninterrupted tennis. I think I'll survive somehow.

There has been a lot of interesting cancer-related news recently. Among them, a drug for breast cancer which is supposed to be particularly effective in young women with oestrogen-positive receptor types of cancer. That drug hasn't been offered to me so I'll have to have a word when I do get to see an oncologist. Mind you, it's another intra-veinous drug which is administered monthly for two years - it would mean putting my move to Cornwall even further back. Or I could come up to London every month for the treatment. Since the drug's not on the cards anyway, I'll just wait and see.

I've more or less completed Laura and Bradley's website if anyone fancies having a look. I built it from scratch so there's always the possibility that something isn't quite right - please let me know if you encounter a problem. The content's still light so keep an eye for updates (if you're interested that is).

As for the Champions League final, the team which scored the most goals won - I think there isn't much to add to this.

Be good.

Echocardiogram and little details

It's a long time since my last update so I thought I'd better quickly add something. The echocardiogram was a piece of cake, though I had a hot flush during the scan and I wonder if that has affected the result. I'll know one way or the other on Monday, when I'm at my planning session. I just hope I'm not weighed at this silly session - I feel I'm ballooning out of control, though my scale says no.

I managed to attend one football game - I saw Liverpool take on the mighty Fulham and lose 1-0. It was a poor game and an embarrassing result, but at least I made it and enjoyed myself. And you can't ask for much more.

I've been quite tired of late and I'm still not quite sure what to do with myself. I can't really get involved in anything until I've had radiotherapy, so my list of potential plans keeps on growing - at the same rate as my frustration at not being able to do much. But I've been designing a website and that has kept me busy. For those who don't know my ickle sister Laura is getting married to Bradley in September, and my wedding present to them is a website. It's not up and running yet as it needs tweaking and some content but here's a screen shot of what it's all about.


Nothing too extraordinary but it's fun - when it's going according to plan.

Be good.

Echocardiogram and planning session

I now have both appointments. I'll be getting my echocardiogram - an ultrasound heart scan - on 9 May. I've not idea what that entails but it doesn't sound painful or unpleasant, which is fine by me. Then I'll be seeing an oncologist to get the radiotherapy ball rolling on 21 May at 8.45 am - no comment on the time but they will regret getting me up so early. I'll be spending one hour on a 'simulator' and have some X-rays taken, and then the tattoos will be placed accordingly. Nothing very exciting, it has to be said.

I'm still struggling a bit but things are better. Of course Liverpool going through last night has helped.

I've been keeping an eye on the No More Breast Cancer campaign. I've never quite understood why I got cancer - 'lifestyle' factors are often quoted as the main contributors but not many apply to me. For me it's important to understand what caused it if I'm to minimise the chances of a return. There's a free event on 18 May, with a screening of Invisible, a documentary on the spread of pollutants to remote areas, followed by a panel discussion. I'm considering attending it as it seems like the perfect opportunity to be brought up to date on all the issues surrounding breast cancer. If you check the website out you'll see some fairly shocking figures.

Back to writing some of that gardening course - that's going quite well and keeping me busy.

Radiotherapy

I saw another oncologist last week - I don't know how many I've seen so far, it's all starting to add up - who talked me through the radiotherapy element of my treatment. I still don't know when that'll happen - I'm waiting to hear about my 'Planning session'. What I do know is that it'll last five weeks - the consultant diplomatically told me that 'Women with small breasts can get away with three weeks, however in your case...'. Honestly, they're not that big - I felt a bit like Jordan when she said it the way she did. I will also be getting tattoos - four wee dots forming a rectangle and basically locating the area needing treatment - so I won't be needing a mid-life crisis now. I'll be seeing a specialist again to sort out Herceptin and the hormone treatment. Because Herceptin can, in a small number of cases, cause heart damage I'm also waiting to hear about a scan to determine my baseline capacity.

On the good news front my cycle has started again and I'm now getting the best of both worlds - period pain and hot flushes. I was actually happy to see my cycle back only to be reminded that Tamoxifen (the hormone treatment) is very likely to disrupt everything again. Ah well, I'll enjoy it while I can. My 'hair' is still growing and I have to say I'm really looking forward to the day it'll be back to normal - I'm starting to really miss it.

Overall I'm ok. I'm a bit fed up and frustrated as the treatment is taking so long and more or less taking over my life. I think that the years of illness are not helping. I first fell ill in 1993 and have had quite a few problems since then. I had to drop out of uni twice and gradually give up on things. Then I finally got well enough to attend uni, first part-time, then managing to complete my final year full-time. This was supposed to be the first step into employment so the diagnosis of cancer in September was a huge setback. I am annoyed with it now and can get quite angry at times. Still, I know I can't do anything about it and I'm trying to get on with things. I've now started a Wildlife Gardening course and that's already proving to be enjoyable. It's a Distance Learning course and I have up to three years to complete it. I got a bit worried when I saw my first assignment, in which I have to design a wildlife garden - this is something I have never done. Anyway I've decided not to worry about grades - yes, those who know me, you've read it correctly - and I'll be creating quite an extravagant garden. Just cos I can. The course should be a good complement to my Environmental Biology degree and offer more practical solutions in terms of conservation.

I won't waffle on any longer. I gather some are having problems leaving messages - I have no idea how to remedy this, sorry but thank you for trying.

Oh, and I've posted some more photos on my Flickr account.

Update at long last

I'm back. Well I've been back for some time but never got round to updating this. I got back from Dorset tired, and I barely had time to recover before Theo, Justin, Fiona and Patrick's visit. I think that because I'm not feeling as bad, I tend to overdo it and then need ages to recover properly.

I had a great time in Dorset. The weather was reasonably good throughout our stay despite the forecast. They had said that Tuesday was going to be the last day of decent weather so I thought I might as well push myself. So we made our way to Lulworth Cove and Durdle Door (first and second photos). It was a beautiful, sunny day and the walk along the coast did me a world of good even if I did have to pay a price for such a long walk. I knew I would suffer - those who know me will know that I can be a tad on the stubborn side at times - but that was never going to stop me. I of course paid a hefty price for this and wasn't able to do much for the rest of the week, but I still enjoyed a couple of walks in the vicinity of the cottage. I returned home exhausted but very, very happy.

A few days after my return Fiona and family came to visit us. I was finally able to meet Theo, who's an extremely sweet, smiley little thing. I taught him a few Liverpool songs, which he seemed to thoroughly enjoy - but maybe he was laughing at the singing. Justin was a star, baking us all lovely biscuits. So here again i enjoyed myself thoroughly. It was just great seeing them all as I hadn't seen them since my graduation.

Last Wednesday I made my way to the Chelsea Physic Garden, which is just on the other side of the Thames from where I live. It's a great little garden, with patches dedicated to plants used to treat medical conditions - and yes, I paid my respect to the Oncology patch, patting a yew tree. I was lucky enough to see Eucalyptus leucoxylon 'Rosea' (second photo) in bloom as this Australian tree doesn't flower very often here, I am told. The flowers were extraordinary so the visit was certainly worth it.





I'm off to see my oncologist on Wednesday. As far as I know we'll be discussing Herceptin and Tamoxifen. To be honest, having just enjoyed a few weeks of freedom, the thought of further treatment does not fill me with joy. I know it's got to be done but it's going to be tough putting up with it all again. I still don't know what's going to happen with radiotherapy - I'm supposed to see a separate consultant for that but I haven't heard from that department yet. Ah well.

Hope you're all well and happy.

Off to the Jurassic Coast

The time has finally come - in a few moments I'll be off to Dorset to enjoy what I think is a deserved break. I believe I've packed everything - famous last words - and I am, of course, taking far too much. Which isn't a problem for me as I can't carry anything so it'll be up to my slaves for the week to deal with it all.

I haven't managed to email everyone and I apologise for that - I'll do it when I get back, obviously. Thanks again for all the messages and emails, and behave while I'm away.

Post #40

And the news is rather good. I had my follow-up appointment this morning where I got the results of the tests carried out on the cancer and sentinel lymph node. It's all clear, which means I won't be needing another operation. The node was clear and they removed a large enough margin around the tumour. Actually they removed far more than required as they'd decided that my tumour was 16 mm large but it turns out it was only 8 mm. So that's that. I have to say that as soon as I was told that I didn't need further surgery my mind went blank - I could see and hear the consultant talking but I completely missed what he said. Thankfully my Mum was with me and she filled in all the blanks once we left. Anyway I'm celebrating in style with a pasty, sushi and a doughnut.

I've got an appointment to see my oncologist in a few weeks time. I'm quite confused as to what's going to happen now. I thought I was going to see a radiotherapy consultant first but no appointment has been made. It looks like I'll be starting Herceptin and Tamoxifen (hormonal therapy) more or less straight away - although a chemo nurse had told me I'd probably have to wait until November - and I might be getting Herceptin for two years rather than the one year I was expecting. I'm a tad confused right now but I suspect I'll get all the answers once I see my oncologist. I'm not that fussed right now and determined to make the most of my four weeks of freedom, not least my week-long holiday in Dorset next week.

My hair's still growing but it would be more accurate to describe it as fluff with a receding hair(fluff?)line. At the same time some of it has fallen out but this could be because it's quite weak and therefore more prone to fall out. I'm looking forward to seeing what it plans on doing next.

That's me off for the time being. Hope you're all well and enjoying life.

Getting there, slowly

First of all, thanks all for your messages - still very much appreciated.

Well here I am, slowly recovering from the operation. It wasn't too bad but I did struggle when coming to - I guess I'm just one of these people for whom general anesthetics is a bit of a nightmare. This wasn't helped by the fact that I emerged at 6pm and the recovery unit closes at 7pm. I was feeling rough - nauseaous, dizzy, groggy - and they were literally trying to push me out of the unit. This has left me quite angry because I got there at 7.45am, as requested, but had to wait until about 3pm for the operation (they actually changed the order of the operation list: I was initially supposed to go first but someone decided to put me last. It was only when a nurse got a bit annoyed with this that the order changed again and I was second on the list). They made me wait for a while in the recovery room before the operation so I was able to see what happens there - people in various states come and sit there, and either sleep, drink, eat or watch TV depending on their state. They get a blanket and people taking care of them. They only leave when they are well enough, and this can take a few hours. I was asked to get out of bed and dressed within 30 minutes because I couldn't stay there. At the same time I was being told that there were no beds available so I'd be better off trying to get home. I really wasn't happy about this. A bed was finally found - I was able to recover and then make my way home. I will have a word with the consultant on Tuesday, when I get my results back, and I might make a formal complaint about this. No one was nasty or anything but I really don't think the treatment I received was good enough. Still, I'm home, I'm ok if a little tired and dizzy at times. The scars are not too painful and I'm able to eat and sleep reasonably well - so all in all things could be a lot worse.

I can't do much at the moment but I'm about to go and sit outside for a bit as the weather's quite nice. Then I'll start tackling my emails - and this time I mean it. There's quite a long list so I doubt I'll be able to email everyone today but I'll do my best to get them sent in the next few days. Hope you're all well and looking forward to a good weekend.

The Day After

This is Elizabeth adding the message on behalf of Anne-Marie. Just a short note to say she is back home, the operation went well, and she was able to come home yesterday as planned, although very late in the evening. She will update when she is feeling a bit better. There is not really much pain, she is just a bit knocked out by it all. Keep posting your messages, they are a great encouragement to her.

Wetland Centre photos

Here are a few photos of a great day out. And thanks for all your messages, emails, texts, e-cards, cards and phone calls - I can't thank you enough.

The day before...

I have been surprisingly - by my standards anyway - non-anxious about tomorrow but it is slowly kicking in. I've never had an operation and I don't even remotely like the idea even if I can't see a way around it in terms of treatment. Not much I can do really. I'm just stuck between not wanting to have the operation/wishing time would slow down, and it being done and over. So I'm trying to get on with it. I've got to be admitted at 8am tomorrow and make my way to Nuclear Medicine, where they'll inject a radioactive dye into my body in order for the surgeon to spot the sentinel node (the one that'll be removed, basically). Then I'll have a wee wait as the operation will take place at 1.30pm. It should take no more than one hour. Once I've re-emerged and they consider me fit enough I'll be able to make my way home - this is the moment I can't wait for. It looks like it's going to be a long day but better that than spending any nights in hospital.

I'm on a mission to keep myself busy today and will be going off to the Wetland Centre in Barnes very soon. So far the weather looks fantastic and the temperatures should reach 17C - this should make for a great day out. Like most of Europe at least it's been an exceptionally mild winter and the wildlife is already out in force - let's hope there'll be no more cold snaps.

I'd better be off. Hope you're all well and managed to enjoy your weekends. I still haven't started on my emails and I apologise for that. I had lots of plans for last week but ended up spending most of my time resting as I was exhausted. Ah well.

Relative freedom

The fact that chemotherapy is over hasn't quite sunk in yet - possibly because the side-effects are still all too present. As such I'm not spending too much time worrying about the operation, which takes place next week. I had to go in last Wednesday for a pre-op evaluation - a complete waste of time but I guess it's got to be done. There's nothing to report there - everything looks straightforward. I briefly saw a consultant to check whether Vicky could still be detected - and she can, just. This saves me from having to undergo yet another procedure that would have enabled the surgeon to locate the mass.

I'm now confronted with a whole week with no appointments and relatively few side-effects. I've no firm plans - and judging by the forecast for this week I think it's better to see how the weather is on the day and make a decision then. Of course it'll depend on fatigue mainly. I'm a bit desperate to go out and do things - and food shopping remains a huge favourite. Don't ask.

I've now started to help on designing a basic gardening course but I've realised I'm not quite sure what is expected of me so I'll need to look into that. I have to admit not having done much in the past week or so - I'm spending a lot of time reading, and enjoying it, but I'm getting to a restless phase again. There are quite a lot of things I'd like to do but the ongoing treatment is preventing me from getting involved in most things. Talking of treatment - again - I received a bit of bad news. Nothing serious as such, just the news that there will be break between radiotherapy and Herceptin, which means that I probably won't be starting Herceptin until November. This is frustrating because when at uni I chose to go full-time in order to graduate last summer. The plan was then to get some work experience and move out of London this summer. When diagnosed I thought I'd just have to postpone my plans for one year, but now it looks like I'll have to wait two more years. Still, my time will come at some point, surely.

In the meantime I'm managing to get glimpses of wildlife - well birds really - with the use of bird food placed on the cherry tree in front of my bedroom window. Only great tits, blue tits and starlings are actually feeding on it but thankfully the proximity of Battersea Park and the Thames means that I've spotted herons, parakeets, black birds and other more common birds flying around. I even saw my first robin. I get very excited about such things these days - I hate to think what state I'll be in when in Dorset...

Hope everyone managed to get a glimpse of the eclipse.

Slowly emerging

Things carry on eluding me - I hardly had to take any painkillers this time but other side-effects were a lot worse. Never mind. Besides fatigue, one of the main problem has been - and still is - oral thrush. Talk about unpleasant and painful. My gums are also more painful. I think that overall the worst is over - it must be over, my body has just about had it now. I've started seriously re-emerging now and I'm enjoying working on my website. Talking of which I'm adding a screen shot of what the main page looks like at the moment - any feedback would be appreciated. It's not the definitive homepage and there's still no content but you should get the idea.


The good news is that the Cartshed has been booked so I'll be off there for one week at the end of March. I'm so excited about it - the cottage is in a fairly secluded, very quiet spot, and is not far from the coast. There are no shops in Osmington but that's hardly a major problem as you can buy organic products straight from the farmer. Most importantly there's a great little pub not far away which serves excellent food and has seaviews. I could go on and on but I'll spare you. The best news, however, is that I'll finally be meeting my nephew Theo and catching up with Justin, Fiona and Patrick at the beginning of April as they are coming down over the Easter weekend. If I'm honest not being able to see them and meet Theo has been one of the most difficult thing to accept. I can't wait.

I'm putting two photos of two of my recent paintings - they were all about fun and using colours so they're not exactly great but painting them was quite therapeutic.



I don't really have much to say. Things have been quite quiet. Oh, ok, I've been doing some reading into the Harry Potter books - I love them but like other books I tend to read them quite superficially. It turns out Ms Rowling has put a lot of effort into them and I missed a lot of things - the precise reason I didn't enjoy reading when at school as I always felt so silly for not "getting it". This time it's keeping me busy and entertained as my brain is still quite reluctant to engage with anything too demanding.

I hope everyone is as happy as Boris, Hazel, Wendy and any other Liverpool supporter must be this morning.

FINAL chemo cycle - guess who's happy?

I can't tell you how relieved, ecstatic and happy I am that this is my last chemo cycle. It has been a long ride with some fairly unpleasant side-effects (as you're all aware) so to know that in three weeks time the worst will be over brings with it emotions that are difficult to put into words. I know the rest of the treatment is not going to be without problems but these are unlikely to be spread over a long period - she said hopefully, realising that fatigue from radiotherapy could last for months.

I made it to Kew Gardens and loved it. We got a wheelchair from the entrance and as a result I paid concession price and my "carer" got in for free - a pleasant bonus. The orchid display was very impressive - photos below - and it was possible to buy samples in the shop. However we settled for cakes and drinks, which were very satisfying, too. We finished with a trip to a photo exhibition which was a pleasant surprise. I used to be a volunteer at Kew and I saw the Volunteer Co-ordinator as we reached the orchid, exhibition but I opted not to go up to her. I'm just not sure how people are going to react and I looked worse than I felt. In a sense I regret this but I just don't want people feeling uncomfortable. Never mind. Overall I thoroughly enjoyed my day out - it did me a world of good as it was my first proper outing since November. I'm thinking of getting a wheelchair from the Red Cross so that I can go out a bit more regularly. I'm also going to try to build up my strength/stamina but I'm not quite sure how to tackle that at the moment.






I am now considering when to go away for the first time as I desperately need a break. I would love to go to the Cart Shed in Dorset since I loved the place when I went there last year. I could go either two or five weeks after surgery but I need to check out if I would be well enough after just two weeks (eleven days actually). This is only possible because a car will be available - I could be driven to the coast, have a wee walk and sit on the beach before being driven back to eat and rest. The other two could then go back out while I lay in front of a fire, reading a book or watching TV.

I'd better leave it here for the time being. I hope all is well wherever you happen to be and that Michael isn't feeling too smug following that fluke result.

Surgery, radiotherapy and other matters

Two trips to hospital in as many days have taken their toll - especially as I had to wait three hours to see the oncologist yesterday - but overall the news was good:

1. I won't need to spend a single night in hospital when I have surgery - They will perform a sentinel node biopsy, which means they will remove one lymph node (or a very small number) only. Apparently fluid from the breast goes through one node, which then 'distributes' it to other nodes. Therefore the operation will consist of a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy and should take about 40 minutes. I'll have to go in early but will be released on the same day as it is classed as a minor operation - which feels strange as they will, after all, be removing a malignant tumour. Surgery will take place on 13 March. They'll analyse both the tumour and surrounding tissues to see if there are any pre-cancerous cells, and the node to see whether the cancer has spread. If both come back negative, that'll be it. If the node is diseased I'll have to have another operation to have them all removed (called axillary clearance). If there are pre-cancerous cells I'm not quite sure what they will do.



2. Apparently there is a correlation between how someone responds to treatment and long-term prospects - In my case, as I'm responding very well, it's all looking very good. On top of that the fact that I'll be getting Herceptin and Tamoxifen (hormone treatment) means that things could be a lot worse. Of course cancer is an unpredictable illness but there you go.

I also know what the rest of my treatment plan consists of. I will be getting radiotherapy - two weeks after surgery I'll have an appointment to see a radiotherapy consultant and I'll have to sign the consent papers. I'll hopefully be starting it within three weeks but there are no guarantees because of waiting lists. It will last between three and six weeks - usually four, according to the oncologist I saw yesterday. I'll have to go in every day for a small dose of radiation - doesn't that sound good? Then I suspect I'll be given another wee break before going onto Herceptin and Tamoxifen. She may well have told me but I switched off in the end.

I feel quite tired today but it still looks like I'm going to Kew despite the snow. I suspect I'll be paying for this but I don't care right now. My body seems to have more or less capitulated through lack of exercise - I can't walk 100 metres without getting out of breath and my muscles hurting. My oncologist told me that I should try to exercise despite the fatigue - easy to say when you've never had chemotherapy. I understand what she means but when I do try to be a bit more active I end up having to spend two to three days in bed recovering - what's the point in that? Still, I'm feeling quite positive and I've found ways of keeping busy depending on what my body's telling me - my brain's a bit fuzzy these days so I'm working on web design (and having fun in the process) rather than content. I've also done a bit of painting - abstract painting in different tones of orange, which I found quite invigorating.

I know I owe people emails and I'm slowly working on it. Hope everyone's well and thanks to those who leave messages - I enjoy knowing what's going on in your lives. (Stephanie, I will try and find out a bit more about the Chillow. I'm not sure how it works but all you need to do is fill it with lukewarm water et voila! Provides cool comfort for the whole of its lifespan).

Be good.

Busy week (relatively speaking)

It's been a while since I last updated this so here goes. Side effects for Taxotere are a tad strange. Again, I had relatively little pain when compared to the first cycle, and my 'hair' is still growing. On the other hand, it turns out that the hot flushes and night sweats are a direct result of the drugs - it is absolutely horrendous. Also, my nails don't look good at all, which is not unusual with Taxotere, and I'm just hoping they don't fall out - this is unlikely though, so fingers crossed. As you all know by now fatigue is the main problem but I've been good and not overdone it. However I've got an appointment at Guy's today to see the surgery team and I'm seeing my oncologist tomorrow... I'm also hoping to go to Kew Gardens on Thursday - as a friend and her car are available then - to go and see the orchid display. Obviously I'll have to see how I feel on the day but I'm desperate to go as I've missed this annual event for a number of years now.

On the positive side I now have a Chillow, which is simply a pillow which helps keep you cool when having hot flushes and other such pleasant afflictions. It is extremely effective, to the point where I can't really use it all night as it's not exactly the right season to do so. But it helps when I'm in trouble. I didn't have it when the symptoms were at their worst so I'll see what it can do after my final cycle. I can see the Chillow being very good in heatwaves - very clever stuff there.

Overall I'm doing well. I'm finding it quite difficult mentally - it feels like my body's been under siege for a few months now and I desperately need a break. For some odd reason - perhaps because one of the oncologists said that my treatment plan was only provisional - my mind's decided that I'm not going to get radiotherapy so that surgery seems like the final big hurdle. I'm always reminding myself that this may not be the case. Still, I gather the main issue with radiotherapy is fatigue so it's hardly going to shatter my world. One thing I'm going to have to do is work on my core muscles - it's all gone and perhaps the reason I get back pain quite a lot. I guess I should be doing mild exercises when I have a window of opportunity and hope that it'll help even if only a teensy weensy little bit.

I'd better go and get ready for my trip out - which is exciting, in a sad way, because there's a good M&S at London Bridge station and it's a treat being able to do my own shopping. (I did say it was sad). Hope you're all well.

Chemo cycle # 7

Today is the day of my penultimate cycle of chemotherapy. I was moved from Mondays to Tuesdays because of the bank holiday. I had tried to get back on Mondays but the chemo nurse was rather, um, anal in this matter - I used to believe I was the Queen of Anal Behaviour before that, she made me look like a complete amateur. Not that it matters much of course. I have to admit that I'm not looking forward to today. I'm not that bothered about the treatment per se, and I'm quite sure the side effects will not be too bad. I simply hate the place. On top of that I'm fully aware that I'm reaching the end of chemotherapy and my mind is getting very impatient, which means I find being pragmatic more and more difficult. I want it to end. Still, in three weeks time I'll getting the last lot and that will be the worst over as far as overall treatment goes, hopefully. Obviously I'm not looking forward to surgery either but at least there'll only be the one of that.



I managed to overdo it last week again and I haven't quite recovered yet. I went to see The Last King of Scotland - very good film, Forest Whitaker was worryingly convincing as Amin but some of the scenes, notably the torture, were simply impossible to watch as far as I was concerned. Then filled with the happiness of being out of the house I decided to go shopping. I got home, had to go and lie down and that's more or less how I've spent the past four days. I had planned to go for a blood test - yes, my silly blood count was again low last week - and/or go and see Miss Potter - mainly for the Lake District scenery, which I love (photo of me above Rydal Water below taken in June 2006) - yesterday but I couldn't do either. Thankfully we're able to see some of the Australian open on the BBC so I've been able to enjoy this from the comfort of my bed.






The weight is now definitely on the way up. The main culprits are likely to be the steroids and/or the chemo drug as they're the main things to have changed recently and the kilos have only piled on since starting them. I'm not particularly fussed - there's nothing I can do about it. The only problem is trousers - it's getting to that point where it's a choice between wearing jeans/trousers and breathing. That's when you know you've lost the battle. My 'hair', on the other hand, is growing reasonably quickly. I've done a bit of reading on the topic and it will probably take up to six months for my hair to be back to normal. At least it's not growing back grey and I'm still waiting to see whether it will be curly/wavy. It looks very thin and even though there's a reasonably large amount of it I'm not sure how it'll look. I'm getting quite impatient - typical - and I'm debating whether to dye it red with one of those dyes that washes out easily. A sort of midlife crisis if you want.



And now for my first instalment of Nerdy Corner. I've kept it simple - my brain can't cope with anything too demanding - but I can never guarantee that I'm making sense. I'm adding visual aids for those who just want to skip this part.



*** NERDY CORNER ALERT ***



Chemo drugs target rapidly dividing cells by targeting, among other things no doubt but in my case, enzymes and other proteins involved in the cell cycle. Very broadly speaking (and purists can cut me some slack here) the cell cycle can be divided into two stages:



1. DNA replication - Because a cell gives rise to two daughter cells the DNA needs to be duplicated so that each daugther cell gets a full copy of all the genes of a particular organism.



2. Cell division - Here the two sets of DNA are segregated at opposite poles of the cell and the nucleus is then divided in two. This results in the formation of two daughter cells.

Both stages are highly regulated and if problems occur mechanisms are in place to trigger cell suicide and prevent errors to be transmitted to daughter cells. This of course is only valid in the case of healthy cells. Cancer cells somehow managed to bypass the control mechanisms and replicate despite such errors.



Right, I've been subjected to three chemo drugs, administered in two times four cycles in the following way:



1. Adriamycin (also known as doxorubicin) and cyclophosphamide - These drugs effectively prevent DNA replication by binding to an enzyme called topoisomerase II. When DNA is being replicated it needs to be unwound and separated for the process to take place. In turn this leads to increased tensions in other areas and generates coils and supercoils (sorts of loops) in the DNA, making replication much more difficult. Topoisomerase II removes these coils by cutting both strands of DNA, allowing them to rotate and sealing the DNA strands again. Adriamycin and cyclophosphamide, however, bind to topoisomerase II once it has cut the strands, thereby stabilising it and preventing it from sealing the strands again. This leads to the cell's inability to replicate its DNA and cell suicide follows.


2. Taxotere - This drug affects the stage of cell division but also leads to cell suicide. Once the DNA has been replicated, what is known as the mitotic spindle forms. This enables the segregation of chromosomes at opposite poles of the cell and is made of microtubules, themselves formed of tubulin (a type of protein) segments, which run along the length of the cell in a number of 'strands'. The movement of chromosomes along the microtubules depends on two mechanisms: motor proteins and the microtubules themselves. Basically Taxotere inhibits microtubule function. Microtubules are in what is called dynamic instability - tubulin is constantly being added and removed from the microtubules, and it is this process which generates force/movement (don't ask me to elaborate this bit). Taxotere binds to the microtubule-bound tubulin and prevents it from being removed. This in turn leads to an accumulation of microtubules within the cell and an inappropriate supply of tubulin. This ultimately triggers the beginning of cell suicide. A less important function of Taxotere is the blocking of the bcl-2 oncoprotein which prevents cell suicide from occuring. More on this when I tackle the genetics of cancer - something for you all to look forward to.

*** END OF NERDY CORNER ***

I hope this has made a little sense at least. If not please let me know. And now it is time for me to go and get prepared for my long day - I can't avoid the blood test today, which means a very long day lies ahead. I hope you are all well and I'll leave you with my current favourite song: 'Where's ya moped, where's ya moped, where's ya moped Petr Cech? Where's ya moped, Petr Cech?'